Not Your Ordinary Forgiveness Post

Ever been wronged?

Treated badly?

Gossiped about by a friend?

Been made to feel like a loser?

Rejected/abandoned?

Manipulated?

Gaslit?

Yep, same.  I raise my hand to all of those instances and more.  In truth, it makes me really angry sometimes to recall these.  In actuality, there are times these treatments occur and/or continue.

I have read countless articles, blog posts, and books about forgiveness.  Some have been super helpful, while some have made ME feel like the problem.  The latter infuriates me.  Nothing like victim blaming and shaming.

I'm just going to be transparent.  There's no use in hiding truths.  No one grows, learns, or can relate when we try and appear perfect, or dang near there.  I'm so over the facade of perfection.  I'm convinced that the people who try and make others think that their lives are perfect and they are perfect are the ones that are hurting the most.  If they can get others to think they are perfect, get some worship going, they may have a moment, or moments, where the pain subsides.

My earliest memories are of feelings of pain.  People talk about great childhood memories.  Not me.  I have some good memories.  Some that I may even be able to consider great.  However, my childhood was wrought with abandonment, rejection, manipulation, and abuse.  I was the caretaker physically, mentally, and emotionally.  I cannot remember a time when I was carefree.  I learned from a very young age that my words mattered.  To speak truth about my feelings was not allowed.  I was to always build the adults around me up.  It was my job and responsibility to take care of emotions.  To do otherwise resulted in the adult in charge becoming a raging victim.

I became a great actress.  I could have won an award type actress!  On occasion, I am still that little actress in a grown woman's body.  More than on occasion if I'm being honest.

As an adult, I continued in what I knew.  I knew how to excuse behaviors, cover up behaviors to protect the culprit, and blame myself.  Real healthy, I tell you!

There are still a few people in my life who are culprits.  Unfortunately, I cannot rid my life of them.  

I have learned how to take up for myself, bite back when needed, and consider the source (as my dad would say).

What used to cut me so low that I would allow myself to feel like the biggest loser and idiot now makes me angry.  It also makes me dislike the perpetrator(s).  

I used to struggle with this, as I am a Jesus loving girl.  I came to the realization that Jesus doesn't instruct us to put up with people's crap and poor treatment.  It's okay to dislike people.  We are called to ask for wisdom and discernment.  To be gifted with these means we are fully aware of behaviors and treatments that don't honor Jesus or look like Jesus.  

Jesus instructs us to love.  When we allow poor treatment, we aren't loving ourselves.  We also aren't truly loving the other person.  Plain and simple.

So forgiveness...

Nothing irks me more than a holier than thou person.  I am not going to feed you any of that.  I would likely throw up on myself while trying to type.

What I am going to tell you is that forgiveness for me and my sanity looks like realizing that no one gets to define me or treat me poorly.  When a person tries, I am going to take up for myself.  I am also going to walk away from a person or situation if possible.  

Biblically, forgiveness is giving it to God and not dwelling on it.  It's not excusing the person or ever allowing it.  

My advice to someone who is walking around feeling miserable because of someone's past or present treatment is to take up for yourself.  Sometimes this looks like not answering the person, not engaging in dialogue.  At times, it's walking away in the moment or for good.

I also have embraced boundaries.  I created specific boundaries for those in my life who harm me.  I stick to them too.  I refuse to share anything personal with those that I know will use the information against me at a later time.  I am not going to spend time with those who get their kicks off of kicking me to make themselves feel more important.  And a big one - I am not going to take care of other's emotions.  Ever.  

My definition of forgiveness goes something like this...

Forgiveness - the act of never allowing others to define you, rule you, or treat you poorly.  When someone behaves or speaks in an unkind or manipulative way, walk away and dust off the hurt.  Do not allow the pain to take up residence in your heart.  Consider the source!

I'm not going to lie, I have been known to say ugly things in my head as an ugly (on the inside!) person is trying to cut me down or treat me poorly.  It helps, just sayin'....

I hope this gives you hope, help, and a way out of the pain.

With great love,

Marci

Panic

Panic.  Ugh, the word alone can create physical discomfort within us.  It can cause us to think upon the one thing, or things, that are causing us to worry and have fear.

I've been there and done that so much in my life.  My oldest child was discovered to have a heart defect at his 3 month check-up.  Panic.  I instantly knew it was more than a benign heart murmur.  Something in my mama gut told me this was not good.  I immediately felt fear consume me and envisioned digging a hole, climbing in with him in my arms, and hiding from reality.

We moved to New York a month after the heart murmur diagnoses.  My husband was starting Physician Assistant school there.  The cardiologist found a pediatrician in NY for us and informed us that 90% of those with our son's condition do not require surgery.  He told us that the body is amazing and often corrects the defect by the time a child is one.  

We packed our things and headed to NY.  Once there, I purchased plane tickets to return to Houston for our son's cardiology check-up, which was to be when he was 6 months old.  We settled into our new home as best we could.  

As scheduled, my son and I flew to Houston for the cardiology appointment.  I was extremely apprehensive, but excited to visit family.  My husband had to stay in NY for school.  At the cardiology check-up, I was informed our son had to have emergency heart surgery, as his heart was so enlarged it was the size of his chest.  Panic.  I immediately called my husband and left a message on our home phone to call me ASAP.  We didn't have cell phones back then and I had to wait for him to receive my message.  I felt so alone.  I felt so discombobulated. Within the time it took for the words "immediate surgery" to be breathed, my world stopped. 

My father-in-law purchased a plane ticket for my husband and by that night, he was with us in Houston.  I can remember holding my son and rocking him.  I begged God to heal him.  I made deals with God that if He healed him, I would do whatever He told me to do.  I told God to take me if He was planning on taking our son.  Panic.

As insurance would have it, we had to wait almost a week for the surgery to occur.  I'm not sure I really slept that week.  I could not take my eyes off of my sick child.  I needed to watch him and make certain he was still breathing. I could barely eat.  I recall being in a room with people, but feeling like I was out of my body. Panic.

Due to the severity of our son's condition, the cardiologist had us stay in the hospital prior to the surgery.  I recall looking out the hospital room window and watching people walking to and fro.  How on earth were these people functioning?  Didn't they know my world was being turned upside down? My heart and brain were in such a fog.  All I ever wanted to be was a wife and mama.  How was this happening?  So many things rolled through my thoughts.  I could barely function.

The morning of the surgery was so difficult.  The moment the nurses came and took him from us was torturous.  I wasn't sure if that would be the last time I held my beautiful boy in my arms.  I fell to my knees and sobbed.  I felt I couldn't breathe.  What was life without him? I don't remember how we got to the family waiting area after he was taken from us.  When I think back on that, all I can recall is how I felt. Panic.

We were told the surgery would be about an hour and a half.  I paced and I watched the clock.  I heard people talking, but I certainly couldn't make out words.  At the 45 minute mark, the surgeon entered the room we were waiting in.  No.  It wasn't time yet.  I recall feeling like I had been punched in the stomach and I'm certain I held my breath.  He walked up to me with the calmest demeanor and informed us that the surgery was over and had gone so well that he was amazed.  I immediately threw my arms around him, thanked him, and cried my eyes out.

Later that week, the cardiologist's nurse came and talked with me.  She had been in the OR with our son during the surgery.  She said it was amazing.  My tiny little 6 month old, 12 pound baby had done remarkable.  She stated that his blood pressure and vitals were perfect during the surgery.  She voiced her amazement, as well as the other's in the room.  No one could believe it.  She stated that she felt the greatest peace and calm in the operating room.

My panic turned to praise.  My beautiful child had been left on this earth.  I knew that wasn't something to be taken lightly.  I knew I owed all my praise to God.  I did not, and do not, take this gift in vain.  I raised up our son to know his story and to know the Lord.  I talked to him often about the wonders of Jesus.  I informed him that he was greatly loved and left on earth for a purpose.  To this day, I talk to him about honoring Jesus in all he does. .

My heart still aches when I recall the memories of that time. I am transported back in time and feel all the emotions - the pain, the panic, the utter relief, the love.  I will never stop thanking God for our son's healing.  I will always know that it was Jesus who held him during the surgery.

In Exodus 3, God gives Moses a mission - go save My people from the Egyptians.  Moses panics.  He asks God "who am I that I shall go"?  God's response - "I will be with you".

Moses panicked.

God reassured.

God will never lead us to something to walk alone. Does it always turn out the way we beg?  Not at all.  God's ways aren't our ways.  There is great pain in life.  There is also great joy.  Regardless of where we are being led-pain or joy-God is with us and knows.  

Since our son's surgery, I have had many more panic moments.  He needed one more surgery when he was 4.  Our family has moved homes, moved jobs, been without jobs, made friends, lost friends, my dad has died, I've had to put my mom in assisted living, and many more.  

One thing has remained constant during life.  When I panic, God reassures.  He doesn't always do it the way I would want, but He always, without fail, does it the way I need. 

Always Loved

Acknowledging that we were thrown in pits is painful and can cause us to feel like we are slipping back in.  Memories can be slippery slopes.  Don’t allow the enemy to convince you that you deserved it or that you are unloved.  I’ve allowed myself to feel both and, I promise a million times over, they are bold faced lies that the enemy uses to keep you from knowing your worth in Jesus.

Before we dig into Joseph (our first pit dweller), I want to prove to you that the enemy is out to keep you from Jesus.  He twists Scripture just enough to get us to believe the lies.  His all-time favorite saying is, “Did God really say?”

Please open your Bible and read Genesis 2:8-9.

God caused trees to grow out of the ground.  What are the two things that the trees were good for? ____________________________________________________________

The trees were good for eating and were beautiful to look at.  God satisfied man with His fantastic creation through bellies and eyes. 

Circle the correct answer:  Did you notice anything in the above Scripture that spoke about touching the trees?

Yes

No

Keep your answer in mind, as we will circle back to it in a bit.

Now read Genesis 2:15-17.

God lovingly places the man in the garden of Eden.  Prior to his placement, the trees were wonderfully planted and grew.  God prepared everything the man would need for nourishment. As the man was being placed in the garden, God commanded him regarding what trees were for consumption and what tree was off limits. 

Fill in the blanks:

And the Lord God commanded the man, “You are ________ to eat from any tree of the garden, but you must _____ eat from the tree of the knowledge of good and evil, for on the day you eat from it, you will __________ die.”

From the beginning of time, God has given His children free will.  He instructed the man on what tree to eat from and what tree to avoid.  Notice He said, “You are free to eat from any tree in the garden”.  After stating the freedom, He clearly told of the consequence of not following His command. God will always instruct us in our ways, but He will not force us.  He loves us so deeply and dearly, and He desires the same kind of love in return. 

Have you ever tried to force someone to love you? If so, briefly record the circumstances and results below.

____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

Forced love is not real love.  It never has been and never will be.

Read Genesis 2:20-25.

The Lord recognizes that the man, Adam, was alone.  He knew prior to the creation that relationships are essential.  He lovingly created the woman, Eve.  He did not create her to be second best.  He did not create her to be Adam’s subordinate.  God created Eve with great love for her and for Adam.

Fill in the blank.

Genesis 2:20b: but for the man, no ___________ was found corresponding to him.

In our society, we view the word “helper” to mean an assistant.  As a former teacher, I had a classroom helper each day.  The classroom helper assisted me in tasks I needed, such as sharpening pencils, taking notes to the office, passing out papers, etc.  We often view a helper as second best, not having the same standing as the one being helped.

The Hebrew word for helper is Ezer.  Ezer is used 21 times in the Old Testament.  It refers to Eve 2 times, the powerful nations that Israel calls on for help when they are being attacked or threatened to be attacked, and 16 times as God our help.

God does not work for us; He comes alongside us when we are in need.  It is with love He does this, not any idea or thought or subordinacy. 

In his book Man and Woman: One in Christ, Philip Paynes states it this way:

“The noun used her [ezer] throughout the Old Testament does not suggest ‘helper’ as in ‘servant’, but help, savior, rescuer, protector as in ‘God is our help’.  In no other occurrence in the Old Testament does this refer to an inferior, but always a superior or an equal …’help’ expresses that the woman is a help/strength who rescues or saves man.”

God did not create the woman to be the man’s servant.  He created her to serve with the man.  That’s a huge difference!  God’s love for women is as strong as His love for men.  Many would like us to believe otherwise.  Thankfully, God’s truths trump man’s truths a million times over.

Notice that God gave the man commands regarding the garden of Eden prior to bringing the woman to life. 

Continue forward in Genesis and read 3:1-10.

And then there was the fall.  I pointed out that God gave the man garden commands before offering the woman as his ezer.  Does this mean that the man did not communicate God’s desires to the woman?  I mean, come on, we all know men struggle with communication!  Maybe he thought he told her but didn’t.  He could have sworn he told her as he was watching a game on TV.  A story as old as time!

All joking aside, the man most certainly communicated God’s commands to the woman.  Everything in the garden of Eden was perfect. The relationship between the two was surely beautiful and wonderful.  Think about it-God walked with the couple throughout the garden often.  Imagine the conversations they had.  There had to be laughter, love, joking, as well as serious talk.  The three must have had such great fellowship.

Just for fun, describe a scene between the three. 

____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

The fall was just as much the man’s fault as it was the woman’s.  Genesis 3:1 describes the serpent (the enemy) as the most cunning.

The Oxford Dictionary defines cunning as “having or showing skill in achieving one’s end by deceit or evasion”.

The enemy knew exactly what he was doing.  He was well aware that if he used a sprinkling of truth mixed with a sprinkling of a lie, he would have the couple eating out of his hands, literally.

Write the question the enemy poses to the couple at the end of 3:1.

________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

Did God really say…

Did God really say that you had to be true to your marriage if you no longer feel love?

Did God really say you can’t live with your partner if you aren’t married?

Did God really say that we need to look to Him in all things? Shouldn’t we be able to rely on ourselves?

Did God really say that we are to serve others over ourselves?

Write out a few that come to your mind.

________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

Reread verses 2:16-17 and compare it to verses 3:2-3.  What difference do you see?

________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

Yep!  God never said the couple couldn’t touch the tree.  The woman certainly knew God’s command.  She walked with Him in the garden for goodness sakes!  She let her guard down and allowed the presence of evil to swoon her.

Proverbs 4:23

Above all else, guard your heart, for everything you do flows from it. (NIV)

Can you think of a time when you let your guard down and quickly fell out of step with God’s decrees?  It can happen in the blink of an eye.  We must continuously guard our hearts and allow the Holy Spirit to lead us.  I have found that praying for discernment and leading really helps in my day-to-day connections with others.

Reread Genesis 2:17 and Genesis 3:4.

The enemy blatantly lied to the woman, and she fell for it.  Sadly, how often do we do the same?  We get caught up in a person’s words and perceived care for us, and we fall right into their trap.  It can happen in the snap of a finger.  One minute we are walking with God, and the next we are being wooed by the enemy.  He tricks us with word changes, guilt, shame, and self-absorption.

We see in Genesis 3:4-7 the woman and the man don’t think twice about tasting the fruit.  The allure of wisdom sunk it’s teeth into their pride and they sunk their teeth into the fruit. And everything changed. One bite led to shame.  It led to wanting to hide from God.  Imagine how they must of kicked themselves.  Do you think the phrase, “if only” ran through their minds?  Do you think they made excuses, blamed the other? I’m certain we can all identify with the gut pain a wrong decision causes, especially when we know that God told us to do otherwise. 

 We will explore this more when we discuss throwing ourselves into pits. 

Yes, the enemy wants to pull us from Jesus’ love.  He wants us to feel like we are not lovable, and, in fact, we don’t deserve His love.  Lies. Jesus has loved all of us from the beginning of time.  Nothing can, or ever will, separate us from the love of God (Romans 8:38-39).

Let’s end today by taking in what God did after the couple tasted the fruit.

Read Genesis 3:8-10.

God knew that the couple had taken a bite of the fruit.  He knew they listened to the enemy and chose his lies over God’s truths. 

God showed up anyway.  Think about that.  He didn’t abandon them.  He walked where He knew they would walk.  He still wanted to be with them.  He still wants to be with us.  No amount of shame from our pasts (or presents) will cause Him to leave us.  His love is forever.  The pain you suffered when you were thrown into a pit does not mean you are not loved.  You are loved yesterday, today, and tomorrow.

As you go about your day, hold your head up high.  You are marked by His love forever.

💗,Marci

 

 

Book Review - The Engagement Party by Finley Turner

I love diving into a good book.  I have a disclaimer, confession, or whatever one calls it...I often "read" audiobooks.  I'm told this is not really reading.  In my book, it is! 😄 I put in my AirPods and get lost listening while cleaning, running, cooking dinner, driving, etc.  

This book begins with a woman newly engaged and is elated to have found her prince charming.  She quickly learns that she and her fiance have been summoned to his parents' home for an engagement party.  And the fun begins....

The family is NOT what she expects, to say the least.  A whirlwind of drama begins and then there is a murder.  Who did it and why?  Will she be blamed...

This book has a number of facets. A dysfunctional family.  An ex-girlfriend, a previous murder, and on and on.

I dislike books that move slowly.  I am reading (listening ;) ) to be entertained.  If the book has lulls, I have been known not to finish it.  Thankfully, this book moved at a nice place.  Each chapter built upon the prior one and it didn't disappoint.

I give this book-

The Engagement Party held my attention and had some twists that I really enjoyed.  However, it never made me gasp, and I certainly didn't think much about it when I had finished it.  I give it 4 stars out of 5 because it was entertaining.  My review lost a star because it didn't wow me.  With that being said, if you are looking for an entertaining read, check this book out.  

BONUS:

If you are looking for an author that will wow you and cause you to audibly gasp, check out Freida McFadden.  She is an amazing author who will truly entertain you!

Happy reading!!

Hanging on by the Thread of His Hem

Let's just be honest and real...life can be hard.  No matter what we do to prevent hardships, they come on without warning at times.  We think we have things rolling along wonderfully and are on top of the mountain and then, boom, we are hit in the face, gut, knees, and toes.  It sucks the wind out of us and can leave us in dismay.  It happens to the best of people and it can stink!

This has been one of those years for me.  Yep, I said years.  This year seems like a never ending whirlwind of one thing after another. Just when I think I am standing straight up again, something else comes along and pushes me over.  Once again, I feel unsteady on my feet and rock back and forth like I am one of those reporters in the midst of hurricane winds.

In the stance of being real, I am going to dish some of my year.  

 I had to leave a job that I thought I would have for a long time. It offered my family financial security, and it brought me a sense of independence.  Many things brought on my exit.  Trouble had been brewing for a while, as I and others were not supported in our basic needs and security.  When each day brings fears of physical and mental trauma to yourself and your students, that is not a recipe for peace, joy, and overall stability.  

The final push to walk away came when I was injured in a ridiculous running injury.  As I was running, my toe clipped a portion of the pea gravel I was on and I hit the ground extremely hard.  My right hand had a huge gash and skin was peeled back revealing the inside of my palm.  My knee had missing skin and there was fat hanging out of an opening.  Who knew there was fat on a knee cap!?!  My hand had to be cleaned out and stitched up.  It eventually came to be known that I had fractured my kneecap.  I was unable to walk well and could not use my right hand.  I took FMLA leave, but eventually had to make the decision to bow out and focus on healing.  

The injury threw me for a loop since running was the one thing that took my mind off of some trauma and abuse that was resurfacing.  Without running, I was forced to look it in the face and deal with it.  Hard stuff.  My school district always talked about mental health.  It became super evident that that was all it was....talk.  Once I submitted my resignation and voiced my reason and the hardness of my decision, I was seen as an enemy.  It hurt at first, but I began to realize that true colors come out right when they need to.  My true friends were so compassionate, supportive, and kind.  They encouraged me forward in my healing.  I am forever grateful.

As I was learning to rebound and grow, I had a friend become harsh and uncaring.  Our friendship became about her.  In reality, it had always been.  You know those friendships where you give - are actually expected to give at the drop of a hat.  However, when you need something, all you hear is crickets (or their issues!). It was painful, as I had walked through some big moments with this person.  Looking backwards, it was such a blessing.  It was an unhealthy friendship that needed to be excavated. Don't get me wrong, it hurt like a big, bad bee sting. 

In the midst of all of this, Jesus has taught me some good, hard lessons.  When I took my focus off of Him, panic, fear, and overwhelming sadness kicked in.  I had known I needed Him, but I certainly didn't practice it.  I tried figuring things out and making plans.  Yeah, I'm sure He laughed! ;)  

Two Bible verses have been glued to my brain lately.  Memorizing Scripture has been such a blessing in my life.  God's Word pops into my head and heart right when I need it.   

1. Jeremiah 29:11-12..."For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you a hope and a future.  Then you will call on me and come to me in prayer, and I will listen to you."

I know God has my back.  He never left me and has my story already written.  My job is to be obedient and listen to His leading.  It's hard to do that when I create plans independent of Him.  I am learning to be still, listen, and obey.  Peace never comes void of Jesus.  

2. Philippians 2:13-14...For it is God who is working in you both to will and to work according to His good purpose.  Do everything without grumbling or arguing.

This verse continues to remind me that God is working a good purpose in my life.  He doesn't need my help.  I can sit in pure, trusting confidence that He works everything out for His purpose.  Gosh, to be able to honor Jesus with my story is worth every heartache suffered.  When I complain or get grumpy over circumstances and events, it only serves to pull my focus away from Jesus.  And isn't that exactly what the enemy wants?!

I tell you all this because I want you to know you aren't alone if, or when, you are in a deep valley. It may feel so lonely at times, but in reality, Jesus is right with us.  He knows that all we can do is hang onto Him by the smallest thread, and He's okay with that.  He promises that if we have the faith of a mustard seed, He sees us and knows.  He gets pain.  He gets loneliness.  He even gets our hopelessness.  When He senses these things from us, He gets into action and covers us.  I can type this with nothing but pure certainty.  I have seen it and felt it numerous times in my life. 

Hang on for dear life.  He won't let you drop.

Psalm 46:5...God is within her, she will not fail. 💗

With great love,

Marci

Jesus' Pursuit of You

Jesus’ pursuit of us never stops.  He chases us all throughout our lives and desires to catch us no matter where He finds us.  Regardless of our pasts, present, and future lives, He wants us to know His undeniable and unmistakable love.  I promise you that nothing is too hard for Jesus.  You have not done or been anywhere that is a shock to Him.  He can do more than you can even imagine (Eph. 3:20) and I guarantee He will.

You may be thinking that this all sounds good for someone else.  You may feel that you have been away from Jesus or messed up so badly that there is no way that He would pursue you, let alone accept and love you.  This is exactly what the enemy wants you to believe.  This way of thinking keeps us separated from God and this is just what the enemy wants for your life.  Allow me to share pieces of my story.  I don’t share to shame those intertwined in my story.  I offer you glimpses into my life and heart so that you will know nothing halts Jesus’ pursuit of us.  He created you so that He could love you.  In fact, prior to creating you, He knew exactly what your choices and directions would be.  He loves you so much and desires for you to know this fully.  You did not repulse Him prior to creating you, and you haven’t repulsed Him now.

My earliest memories begin prior to the age of five.  They are not joyous ones, but rather ones of shame, anxiety, and guilt.  As far back as I can remember, I was my mother’s mother.  I knew exactly how I was to behave and what I needed to say to protect myself from wrath.  I was very aware that it was my responsibility to take care of my mother’s feelings.  I was not to ever say anything that made her feel uncomfortable.  Sharing my hurts, disappointments, and sadness was never to be done.  I was quite the actress.  As early as age five, I knew how to behave in such a way that kept my mother’s hurt feelings at bay.  She was the master of manipulation, and she lived in a highly decorated world of victimhood.  I understood I was considered a pain and a bother.  I was often told that my name was mud spelled backwards.  I heard this phrase often.  I was called a brat most days.  I was a shame filled child.  Every time an adult looked at me or spoke to me, I just knew they were thinking that I was a stupid, annoying child.

My parents divorced when I was two.  My biological father was not involved in my life at all.  He expected me to reach out to him and create a relationship.  I was told that he was an awful person and had tried to drown me because he did not want a girl.  I have no idea if that is true, but it certainly stung every time I heard it.  Prior to his death about twelve years ago, he wrote me a three-page letter on legal sized paper.  He let me know what a disappointment I was.  He quoted Scripture and tried to convince me that God, too, was disappointed in me. 

I also encountered sexual abuse.  As a young child, I would sleep with the lights on and cover my head with the blanket.  I often put something in front of my bedroom door to alert me to anyone trying to enter my room.  Not only was I the victim of physical sexual abuse, but I was also exposed to pornography and sex talk. 

As I grew into a teenager, I thought the only way to be worthy was to have a boy say it was so.  Unfortunately, my world revolved around having a boyfriend.  I did whatever I thought necessary to have and keep a boyfriend.  I’m sure you can surmise the pain this caused me.  My choices harmed me in more ways than I was aware of.  I forwent friendships in pursuit of boys.  I often spent time alone because I did not create or establish healthy relationships with friends or boys.  This would spiral me into believing I needed to do whatever it took to have a boy notice me.  I was the girl no mom wanted her daughter to be friends or son to date.

As a young adult, I began dating my husband.  It is more than fair to say that we were both a mess waiting to explode.  We married a year after college, and within our first few months of marriage we got pregnant and had our first child.  He was a beautiful child who stole my heart instantly.  By the time he was three months old, he was diagnosed with a congenital heart defect.  His first surgery was when he was six months old, and his second surgery occurred when he was four.  By this stage in my life, I was a crumbled mess.  I had major anxiety that I could barely control.  I was critiqued and criticized often for it.  I felt more alone than ever.  I was afraid to take my eyes off my son.  I could barely catch my breath and function.  I felt more alone than ever.  I suffered two miscarriages prior to our son’s second surgery.  The second miscarriage happened when I was four and a half months pregnant.  I cried often and struggled silently as I cared for my young child.  I found it almost impossible to function.  As time went on, I was told by many people who should have been there for me that I needed to get over it.  I was informed that I was weak and being self-centered.

Praise God, we were blessed with two more wonderful children.  There were several times when my children were young that I contemplated suicide.  I truly believed that my husband and children would be better off without me around.  I felt I hindered their lives because of my struggle with anxiety.  I felt that I was a bother and unlovable.  In fact, I can remember writing out my obituary and who my pall bearers would be.  The love I had for my children stopped me every time from going through with it.  When I would think upon my inability to follow through with it, I berated myself for even stinking at being able to successfully kill myself.

Not too long after I received the letter from my father, I completely shut down and lost it.  My oldest son was in junior high, and my daughter and youngest son were in elementary school.  My children were upstairs and I was downstairs cleaning the kitchen.  A feeling of pure disgust for myself completely overtook me and I began throwing dishes.  I was crying and didn’t have to ability to stop myself.  I was in such pain, but yet so numb.  I clearly remember sitting down on the kitchen floor and struggling to breathe.  I cannot explain it, but I felt a presence cover me and hold me.  It felt like a large human had wrapped his arms around me and was soaking in my pain.  When I think upon it, I can still vividly recall the physical sensations it caused.  My crying quieted.  I didn’t hear any spoken words, but I felt that I was being told it was going to be okay and that I was loved.  I remember quietly repeating, “I just want a daddy”.  I believe Jesus was there and comforting me.

Not long after that, I was invited to a Bible study at the church where my youngest son attended Pre-K.  I was so nervous that people would know my past and think I was a fake.  Something inside of me urged me to go anyway.  Upon hearing God’s word, I was hooked.  I couldn’t, and still can’t, get enough of His words and His love.  He has used me to share His love with others, and I still sometimes quietly say to Him, “Really God?  Me?”  I was such a mess and so broken.  I was sure I was beyond repair and not worthy of any kind of love.  Jesus thought differently.  He pursued me until I said yes.  Looking back upon my life, I see glimpses of His presence and protection.  He never gave up on me.  He never thought me too messed up and used up to forget about me.  I can now confidently say, “I am by beloved and He is mine” (Song of Solomon 2:16).

I have prayed that YOU will be convinced you are worth catching.  Jesus sees you, loves you, and wants you to be His.  He longs to feel you take comfort in Him.  He desires to show you how deeply He loves you.  He looks forward to the day that you and He are in deep relationship with one another, and you talk with Him all day long.  I pray that the words you read and study throughout the coming weeks will transform your heart and soul.  May you know you are worth catching and loving.  Be caught, by friend!

With deepest respect and love,

Marci 💗

Ever notice how quick we are to judge people and pick at their scabs?  We may smile on the outside, but often times we are searching for the dirt - the uglies.

I think we are all guilty of this at times.  

Recently, someone told me a story about some people.  The person was telling me some facts, but there were definite judgments attached.  For the next couple of days, I couldn't stop thinking about the story.  The more I thought about it, the more my heart broke for the people involved.  

The more I pondered it, the more I wondered why it was so attached to my heart.  The Lord began to show me how often we {me included} see the dirt rather than finding the gold.  He began convicting my heart over situations and discussions I have been involved in.

We all have dirt because we are all human.  We are sinful creatures who can create quite the dirt piles.  We, more than anyone else, know how dirty we are and can become.  We are fully aware of the imperfections and sins that plaque us.  

Do we focus on other's dirt to avoid seeing our own sometimes?  Does focusing on other's dirt take the spotlight off of our own messiness?

Yep-I think that's it.  We focus on the dirt other's wear so our dirt doesn't appear to be so brown.

Aren't we suppose to be building each other up and encouraging one another to live life better?  We can't really do that if we are focusing on the messy, even if just in our minds.

Our family visited Colorado a few summers ago.  We decided we would go on an adventure and search for gold.  We grabbed our tin bowls and began sifting through the water in search of the sparkly stuff.  It didn't take long for our kids {and me} to get bored.  All we seemed to find were dirty rocks covered in mud.  After about 15 minutes we set our bowls aside and began running around in search of instant fun.  

We never found any gold - we didn't look long enough.

We can be that way in our interactions with people.  Sometimes we don't look long and hard enough for the sparkle.  We notice the dirt and quickly walk away.  

Everyone has sparkle inside of them.  We can find some people's fairly quickly.  But some people have hidden it so well that it takes quite a while to find it.  When there is a glimmer of sparkle in those people, however, it is the most beautiful shine.  Not only are you recognizing it, but the person may be too.  They may not even be aware that any kind of glimmer exists in their broken, messy hearts.  

What if we stopped looking at the dirt and searched for the gold?  

What if when we see even a hint of a glimmer, we focus on that rather than the mess?  

Can you imagine the shine that will sparkle when we do?  

Imagine showing someone their gold when they had no idea any existed.

Be the one who finds the gold, my friend.  Oh what we can do for God's Kingdom if we only look hard enough.

Loving you with a golden heart-

Marci

What are We Teaching our Future Leaders?

Teachers are people too.  This thought has come to mind so often over the past few months.  We have emotions, fears, and past traumas stored in our DNA.  Yet, we are expected to endure abuse all in the name of educating students.  We are expected to continuously have violent and verbally abusive students in our classrooms because THEY have a right to an education.  All sane people would, and do, ask....what about the rights of the other students in the classroom?  Don't THEY have a right to a safe environment where they can learn?  I have come to learn that the answer to that is a hard no. The next question that many ask is don't teachers have a right to feel safe and be protected?  Again, the answer to that is a hard no.  Oh sure, districts will tell you that they care about the well being of students and teachers.  But we all know that actions speak way louder than words.  Words are just noise when not backed by actions.  

Teachers are told to instill character in students.  We are to teach them to be caring, respectful, responsible, trustworthy, and fair.  We should teach them these values and virtues by modeling them, pointing them out in student behavior, and providing lessons on them.  When abusive and disruptive students are allowed to continually be in the classroom with little to no consequences, aren't we just teaching words?  We are not teaching truths.  How are we to lead children to become good citizens with these virtues if this is what they witness and experience?

Unsurprisingly, yet truly heartbreaking, teachers are leaving the profession in throngs.  Many have termed it the great resignation.  The teachers I know who have left, and those prepared to leave, do not do so because they are bored, want more money, or dislike teaching.  Sadly, it is because their mental health takes top priority.  Not only are teachers affected by the toxicity and abuse, but their families are as well. 

And while we are on the topic of being affected by toxicity and abuse, we can't leave out the most important people affected - the children.  It behooves me to realize all that these little people have to endure every single day.  Students have told me how afraid they are.  This is not right!  Children should be able to attend school and feel safe mentally and physically.  Unfortunately, this is not the case.

Teachers and parents have to start speaking up.  We have to fight for the rights of the children and teachers affected by disruptive and dangerous behaviors.  Accepting these things will never promote change.  Your voice matters!   

In a nutshell, we are teaching our future leaders that being fearful, called derogatory things, and experiencing physical violence is normal.  They are learning to be abused.  They are also learning to be abusers.  They are learning to live with anxiety.  All of this is so wrong. We have to take a stand and show children they matter.  

How I Fell In Love with Running

Running hasn't always been a passion, okay-obsession, of mine.  I always wanted to run, but I never thought I was capable.  I never considered myself the athletic type.  Since my early 20's, I had a desire to run the Houston Marathon but never thought myself capable.  I sat back, dreamed, and continued on with life.  In truth, I was too afraid to take the leap.  What if I was no good?  What if I failed?  

Fast forward to January of 2010.  The Houston Marathon had just taken place and I had the itch to run it more than ever!  It was quite nasty outside so I jokingly told my family I was going to run the loop inside of our house that connects our kitchen to our living room.  As I was running the loop, I couldn't believe how much I loved the motion and the feeling I was getting.  I ran the loop for over 30 minutes!  What started out as a joke, ended with me having a major crush on running!

The next day I decided to take it outside and see if I felt the same.  Oh my gracious, did I ever!  It was so exhilarating and I felt so alive!  My only goal was to enjoy each run and have fun.  I began to look forward to my daily runs.  In the back of my mind, I wondered if it was a quick high that I would grow tired of.  Before that happened, I decided to sign up for a half marathon.  I know, not a 5K or a 10K.  I jumped right into a big race!

I had so much fun training for that race.  I no longer had a run crush.  I was deeply and madly in love with the activity of running!  I could not get enough of it!!  When race day came, I clearly remember driving to the race with tears streaming down my face.  I was so excited and proud of myself.  I couldn't believe I was actually going to run a race.  The race went so smoothly and fantastic.  My family came and cheered me on.  It was so much fun and I gained so much confidence in myself and abilities.

Since then, I have run a number of 10K's and half marathons.  The Houston Half Marathon continues to be my all time favorite race to run.  There is something so exciting about that particular race.  The energy, the people, the fact that my daughter runs it with me are all factors in my love for the race.  In truth, it is one of my all time favorite days of the year.  I get giddy the night before and struggle to sleep.  I feel like a child trying to sleep on Christmas Eve knowing that Santa will deliver gifts at any minute.

As I sit here injured from a terrible fall I had during a run, I have even more goals for myself as a runner.  It's time to fight the full marathon fear and begin training for a 26.2 mile race.  As I have learned during my love affair, one never regrets the miles.  Training can be hard, but it is always so worth it.  One will never regret the strength gained mentally when running the miles.  

Beginning something can be difficult.  We come up with so many reasons why we may fail.  But what if you actually succeed and change your life for the better?  I would love to help you begin your journey.  I am beyond passionate about finding oneself on the pavement.  As you run, you truly find out who you are and what you are made of.  I have never regretted a run.

Move with joy-

Marci