Hanging on by the Thread of His Hem

Let's just be honest and real...life can be hard.  No matter what we do to prevent hardships, they come on without warning at times.  We think we have things rolling along wonderfully and are on top of the mountain and then, boom, we are hit in the face, gut, knees, and toes.  It sucks the wind out of us and can leave us in dismay.  It happens to the best of people and it can stink!

This has been one of those years for me.  Yep, I said years.  This year seems like a never ending whirlwind of one thing after another. Just when I think I am standing straight up again, something else comes along and pushes me over.  Once again, I feel unsteady on my feet and rock back and forth like I am one of those reporters in the midst of hurricane winds.

In the stance of being real, I am going to dish some of my year.  

 I had to leave a job that I thought I would have for a long time. It offered my family financial security, and it brought me a sense of independence.  Many things brought on my exit.  Trouble had been brewing for a while, as I and others were not supported in our basic needs and security.  When each day brings fears of physical and mental trauma to yourself and your students, that is not a recipe for peace, joy, and overall stability.  

The final push to walk away came when I was injured in a ridiculous running injury.  As I was running, my toe clipped a portion of the pea gravel I was on and I hit the ground extremely hard.  My right hand had a huge gash and skin was peeled back revealing the inside of my palm.  My knee had missing skin and there was fat hanging out of an opening.  Who knew there was fat on a knee cap!?!  My hand had to be cleaned out and stitched up.  It eventually came to be known that I had fractured my kneecap.  I was unable to walk well and could not use my right hand.  I took FMLA leave, but eventually had to make the decision to bow out and focus on healing.  

The injury threw me for a loop since running was the one thing that took my mind off of some trauma and abuse that was resurfacing.  Without running, I was forced to look it in the face and deal with it.  Hard stuff.  My school district always talked about mental health.  It became super evident that that was all it was....talk.  Once I submitted my resignation and voiced my reason and the hardness of my decision, I was seen as an enemy.  It hurt at first, but I began to realize that true colors come out right when they need to.  My true friends were so compassionate, supportive, and kind.  They encouraged me forward in my healing.  I am forever grateful.

As I was learning to rebound and grow, I had a friend become harsh and uncaring.  Our friendship became about her.  In reality, it had always been.  You know those friendships where you give - are actually expected to give at the drop of a hat.  However, when you need something, all you hear is crickets (or their issues!). It was painful, as I had walked through some big moments with this person.  Looking backwards, it was such a blessing.  It was an unhealthy friendship that needed to be excavated. Don't get me wrong, it hurt like a big, bad bee sting. 

In the midst of all of this, Jesus has taught me some good, hard lessons.  When I took my focus off of Him, panic, fear, and overwhelming sadness kicked in.  I had known I needed Him, but I certainly didn't practice it.  I tried figuring things out and making plans.  Yeah, I'm sure He laughed! ;)  

Two Bible verses have been glued to my brain lately.  Memorizing Scripture has been such a blessing in my life.  God's Word pops into my head and heart right when I need it.   

1. Jeremiah 29:11-12..."For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you a hope and a future.  Then you will call on me and come to me in prayer, and I will listen to you."

I know God has my back.  He never left me and has my story already written.  My job is to be obedient and listen to His leading.  It's hard to do that when I create plans independent of Him.  I am learning to be still, listen, and obey.  Peace never comes void of Jesus.  

2. Philippians 2:13-14...For it is God who is working in you both to will and to work according to His good purpose.  Do everything without grumbling or arguing.

This verse continues to remind me that God is working a good purpose in my life.  He doesn't need my help.  I can sit in pure, trusting confidence that He works everything out for His purpose.  Gosh, to be able to honor Jesus with my story is worth every heartache suffered.  When I complain or get grumpy over circumstances and events, it only serves to pull my focus away from Jesus.  And isn't that exactly what the enemy wants?!

I tell you all this because I want you to know you aren't alone if, or when, you are in a deep valley. It may feel so lonely at times, but in reality, Jesus is right with us.  He knows that all we can do is hang onto Him by the smallest thread, and He's okay with that.  He promises that if we have the faith of a mustard seed, He sees us and knows.  He gets pain.  He gets loneliness.  He even gets our hopelessness.  When He senses these things from us, He gets into action and covers us.  I can type this with nothing but pure certainty.  I have seen it and felt it numerous times in my life. 

Hang on for dear life.  He won't let you drop.

Psalm 46:5...God is within her, she will not fail. 💗

With great love,

Marci

Jesus' Pursuit of You

Jesus’ pursuit of us never stops.  He chases us all throughout our lives and desires to catch us no matter where He finds us.  Regardless of our pasts, present, and future lives, He wants us to know His undeniable and unmistakable love.  I promise you that nothing is too hard for Jesus.  You have not done or been anywhere that is a shock to Him.  He can do more than you can even imagine (Eph. 3:20) and I guarantee He will.

You may be thinking that this all sounds good for someone else.  You may feel that you have been away from Jesus or messed up so badly that there is no way that He would pursue you, let alone accept and love you.  This is exactly what the enemy wants you to believe.  This way of thinking keeps us separated from God and this is just what the enemy wants for your life.  Allow me to share pieces of my story.  I don’t share to shame those intertwined in my story.  I offer you glimpses into my life and heart so that you will know nothing halts Jesus’ pursuit of us.  He created you so that He could love you.  In fact, prior to creating you, He knew exactly what your choices and directions would be.  He loves you so much and desires for you to know this fully.  You did not repulse Him prior to creating you, and you haven’t repulsed Him now.

My earliest memories begin prior to the age of five.  They are not joyous ones, but rather ones of shame, anxiety, and guilt.  As far back as I can remember, I was my mother’s mother.  I knew exactly how I was to behave and what I needed to say to protect myself from wrath.  I was very aware that it was my responsibility to take care of my mother’s feelings.  I was not to ever say anything that made her feel uncomfortable.  Sharing my hurts, disappointments, and sadness was never to be done.  I was quite the actress.  As early as age five, I knew how to behave in such a way that kept my mother’s hurt feelings at bay.  She was the master of manipulation, and she lived in a highly decorated world of victimhood.  I understood I was considered a pain and a bother.  I was often told that my name was mud spelled backwards.  I heard this phrase often.  I was called a brat most days.  I was a shame filled child.  Every time an adult looked at me or spoke to me, I just knew they were thinking that I was a stupid, annoying child.

My parents divorced when I was two.  My biological father was not involved in my life at all.  He expected me to reach out to him and create a relationship.  I was told that he was an awful person and had tried to drown me because he did not want a girl.  I have no idea if that is true, but it certainly stung every time I heard it.  Prior to his death about twelve years ago, he wrote me a three-page letter on legal sized paper.  He let me know what a disappointment I was.  He quoted Scripture and tried to convince me that God, too, was disappointed in me. 

I also encountered sexual abuse.  As a young child, I would sleep with the lights on and cover my head with the blanket.  I often put something in front of my bedroom door to alert me to anyone trying to enter my room.  Not only was I the victim of physical sexual abuse, but I was also exposed to pornography and sex talk. 

As I grew into a teenager, I thought the only way to be worthy was to have a boy say it was so.  Unfortunately, my world revolved around having a boyfriend.  I did whatever I thought necessary to have and keep a boyfriend.  I’m sure you can surmise the pain this caused me.  My choices harmed me in more ways than I was aware of.  I forwent friendships in pursuit of boys.  I often spent time alone because I did not create or establish healthy relationships with friends or boys.  This would spiral me into believing I needed to do whatever it took to have a boy notice me.  I was the girl no mom wanted her daughter to be friends or son to date.

As a young adult, I began dating my husband.  It is more than fair to say that we were both a mess waiting to explode.  We married a year after college, and within our first few months of marriage we got pregnant and had our first child.  He was a beautiful child who stole my heart instantly.  By the time he was three months old, he was diagnosed with a congenital heart defect.  His first surgery was when he was six months old, and his second surgery occurred when he was four.  By this stage in my life, I was a crumbled mess.  I had major anxiety that I could barely control.  I was critiqued and criticized often for it.  I felt more alone than ever.  I was afraid to take my eyes off my son.  I could barely catch my breath and function.  I felt more alone than ever.  I suffered two miscarriages prior to our son’s second surgery.  The second miscarriage happened when I was four and a half months pregnant.  I cried often and struggled silently as I cared for my young child.  I found it almost impossible to function.  As time went on, I was told by many people who should have been there for me that I needed to get over it.  I was informed that I was weak and being self-centered.

Praise God, we were blessed with two more wonderful children.  There were several times when my children were young that I contemplated suicide.  I truly believed that my husband and children would be better off without me around.  I felt I hindered their lives because of my struggle with anxiety.  I felt that I was a bother and unlovable.  In fact, I can remember writing out my obituary and who my pall bearers would be.  The love I had for my children stopped me every time from going through with it.  When I would think upon my inability to follow through with it, I berated myself for even stinking at being able to successfully kill myself.

Not too long after I received the letter from my father, I completely shut down and lost it.  My oldest son was in junior high, and my daughter and youngest son were in elementary school.  My children were upstairs and I was downstairs cleaning the kitchen.  A feeling of pure disgust for myself completely overtook me and I began throwing dishes.  I was crying and didn’t have to ability to stop myself.  I was in such pain, but yet so numb.  I clearly remember sitting down on the kitchen floor and struggling to breathe.  I cannot explain it, but I felt a presence cover me and hold me.  It felt like a large human had wrapped his arms around me and was soaking in my pain.  When I think upon it, I can still vividly recall the physical sensations it caused.  My crying quieted.  I didn’t hear any spoken words, but I felt that I was being told it was going to be okay and that I was loved.  I remember quietly repeating, “I just want a daddy”.  I believe Jesus was there and comforting me.

Not long after that, I was invited to a Bible study at the church where my youngest son attended Pre-K.  I was so nervous that people would know my past and think I was a fake.  Something inside of me urged me to go anyway.  Upon hearing God’s word, I was hooked.  I couldn’t, and still can’t, get enough of His words and His love.  He has used me to share His love with others, and I still sometimes quietly say to Him, “Really God?  Me?”  I was such a mess and so broken.  I was sure I was beyond repair and not worthy of any kind of love.  Jesus thought differently.  He pursued me until I said yes.  Looking back upon my life, I see glimpses of His presence and protection.  He never gave up on me.  He never thought me too messed up and used up to forget about me.  I can now confidently say, “I am by beloved and He is mine” (Song of Solomon 2:16).

I have prayed that YOU will be convinced you are worth catching.  Jesus sees you, loves you, and wants you to be His.  He longs to feel you take comfort in Him.  He desires to show you how deeply He loves you.  He looks forward to the day that you and He are in deep relationship with one another, and you talk with Him all day long.  I pray that the words you read and study throughout the coming weeks will transform your heart and soul.  May you know you are worth catching and loving.  Be caught, by friend!

With deepest respect and love,

Marci 💗

Ever notice how quick we are to judge people and pick at their scabs?  We may smile on the outside, but often times we are searching for the dirt - the uglies.

I think we are all guilty of this at times.  

Recently, someone told me a story about some people.  The person was telling me some facts, but there were definite judgments attached.  For the next couple of days, I couldn't stop thinking about the story.  The more I thought about it, the more my heart broke for the people involved.  

The more I pondered it, the more I wondered why it was so attached to my heart.  The Lord began to show me how often we {me included} see the dirt rather than finding the gold.  He began convicting my heart over situations and discussions I have been involved in.

We all have dirt because we are all human.  We are sinful creatures who can create quite the dirt piles.  We, more than anyone else, know how dirty we are and can become.  We are fully aware of the imperfections and sins that plaque us.  

Do we focus on other's dirt to avoid seeing our own sometimes?  Does focusing on other's dirt take the spotlight off of our own messiness?

Yep-I think that's it.  We focus on the dirt other's wear so our dirt doesn't appear to be so brown.

Aren't we suppose to be building each other up and encouraging one another to live life better?  We can't really do that if we are focusing on the messy, even if just in our minds.

Our family visited Colorado a few summers ago.  We decided we would go on an adventure and search for gold.  We grabbed our tin bowls and began sifting through the water in search of the sparkly stuff.  It didn't take long for our kids {and me} to get bored.  All we seemed to find were dirty rocks covered in mud.  After about 15 minutes we set our bowls aside and began running around in search of instant fun.  

We never found any gold - we didn't look long enough.

We can be that way in our interactions with people.  Sometimes we don't look long and hard enough for the sparkle.  We notice the dirt and quickly walk away.  

Everyone has sparkle inside of them.  We can find some people's fairly quickly.  But some people have hidden it so well that it takes quite a while to find it.  When there is a glimmer of sparkle in those people, however, it is the most beautiful shine.  Not only are you recognizing it, but the person may be too.  They may not even be aware that any kind of glimmer exists in their broken, messy hearts.  

What if we stopped looking at the dirt and searched for the gold?  

What if when we see even a hint of a glimmer, we focus on that rather than the mess?  

Can you imagine the shine that will sparkle when we do?  

Imagine showing someone their gold when they had no idea any existed.

Be the one who finds the gold, my friend.  Oh what we can do for God's Kingdom if we only look hard enough.

Loving you with a golden heart-

Marci

What are We Teaching our Future Leaders?

Teachers are people too.  This thought has come to mind so often over the past few months.  We have emotions, fears, and past traumas stored in our DNA.  Yet, we are expected to endure abuse all in the name of educating students.  We are expected to continuously have violent and verbally abusive students in our classrooms because THEY have a right to an education.  All sane people would, and do, ask....what about the rights of the other students in the classroom?  Don't THEY have a right to a safe environment where they can learn?  I have come to learn that the answer to that is a hard no. The next question that many ask is don't teachers have a right to feel safe and be protected?  Again, the answer to that is a hard no.  Oh sure, districts will tell you that they care about the well being of students and teachers.  But we all know that actions speak way louder than words.  Words are just noise when not backed by actions.  

Teachers are told to instill character in students.  We are to teach them to be caring, respectful, responsible, trustworthy, and fair.  We should teach them these values and virtues by modeling them, pointing them out in student behavior, and providing lessons on them.  When abusive and disruptive students are allowed to continually be in the classroom with little to no consequences, aren't we just teaching words?  We are not teaching truths.  How are we to lead children to become good citizens with these virtues if this is what they witness and experience?

Unsurprisingly, yet truly heartbreaking, teachers are leaving the profession in throngs.  Many have termed it the great resignation.  The teachers I know who have left, and those prepared to leave, do not do so because they are bored, want more money, or dislike teaching.  Sadly, it is because their mental health takes top priority.  Not only are teachers affected by the toxicity and abuse, but their families are as well. 

And while we are on the topic of being affected by toxicity and abuse, we can't leave out the most important people affected - the children.  It behooves me to realize all that these little people have to endure every single day.  Students have told me how afraid they are.  This is not right!  Children should be able to attend school and feel safe mentally and physically.  Unfortunately, this is not the case.

Teachers and parents have to start speaking up.  We have to fight for the rights of the children and teachers affected by disruptive and dangerous behaviors.  Accepting these things will never promote change.  Your voice matters!   

In a nutshell, we are teaching our future leaders that being fearful, called derogatory things, and experiencing physical violence is normal.  They are learning to be abused.  They are also learning to be abusers.  They are learning to live with anxiety.  All of this is so wrong. We have to take a stand and show children they matter.