Not Your Ordinary Forgiveness Post

Ever been wronged?

Treated badly?

Gossiped about by a friend?

Been made to feel like a loser?

Rejected/abandoned?

Manipulated?

Gaslit?

Yep, same.  I raise my hand to all of those instances and more.  In truth, it makes me really angry sometimes to recall these.  In actuality, there are times these treatments occur and/or continue.

I have read countless articles, blog posts, and books about forgiveness.  Some have been super helpful, while some have made ME feel like the problem.  The latter infuriates me.  Nothing like victim blaming and shaming.

I'm just going to be transparent.  There's no use in hiding truths.  No one grows, learns, or can relate when we try and appear perfect, or dang near there.  I'm so over the facade of perfection.  I'm convinced that the people who try and make others think that their lives are perfect and they are perfect are the ones that are hurting the most.  If they can get others to think they are perfect, get some worship going, they may have a moment, or moments, where the pain subsides.

My earliest memories are of feelings of pain.  People talk about great childhood memories.  Not me.  I have some good memories.  Some that I may even be able to consider great.  However, my childhood was wrought with abandonment, rejection, manipulation, and abuse.  I was the caretaker physically, mentally, and emotionally.  I cannot remember a time when I was carefree.  I learned from a very young age that my words mattered.  To speak truth about my feelings was not allowed.  I was to always build the adults around me up.  It was my job and responsibility to take care of emotions.  To do otherwise resulted in the adult in charge becoming a raging victim.

I became a great actress.  I could have won an award type actress!  On occasion, I am still that little actress in a grown woman's body.  More than on occasion if I'm being honest.

As an adult, I continued in what I knew.  I knew how to excuse behaviors, cover up behaviors to protect the culprit, and blame myself.  Real healthy, I tell you!

There are still a few people in my life who are culprits.  Unfortunately, I cannot rid my life of them.  

I have learned how to take up for myself, bite back when needed, and consider the source (as my dad would say).

What used to cut me so low that I would allow myself to feel like the biggest loser and idiot now makes me angry.  It also makes me dislike the perpetrator(s).  

I used to struggle with this, as I am a Jesus loving girl.  I came to the realization that Jesus doesn't instruct us to put up with people's crap and poor treatment.  It's okay to dislike people.  We are called to ask for wisdom and discernment.  To be gifted with these means we are fully aware of behaviors and treatments that don't honor Jesus or look like Jesus.  

Jesus instructs us to love.  When we allow poor treatment, we aren't loving ourselves.  We also aren't truly loving the other person.  Plain and simple.

So forgiveness...

Nothing irks me more than a holier than thou person.  I am not going to feed you any of that.  I would likely throw up on myself while trying to type.

What I am going to tell you is that forgiveness for me and my sanity looks like realizing that no one gets to define me or treat me poorly.  When a person tries, I am going to take up for myself.  I am also going to walk away from a person or situation if possible.  

Biblically, forgiveness is giving it to God and not dwelling on it.  It's not excusing the person or ever allowing it.  

My advice to someone who is walking around feeling miserable because of someone's past or present treatment is to take up for yourself.  Sometimes this looks like not answering the person, not engaging in dialogue.  At times, it's walking away in the moment or for good.

I also have embraced boundaries.  I created specific boundaries for those in my life who harm me.  I stick to them too.  I refuse to share anything personal with those that I know will use the information against me at a later time.  I am not going to spend time with those who get their kicks off of kicking me to make themselves feel more important.  And a big one - I am not going to take care of other's emotions.  Ever.  

My definition of forgiveness goes something like this...

Forgiveness - the act of never allowing others to define you, rule you, or treat you poorly.  When someone behaves or speaks in an unkind or manipulative way, walk away and dust off the hurt.  Do not allow the pain to take up residence in your heart.  Consider the source!

I'm not going to lie, I have been known to say ugly things in my head as an ugly (on the inside!) person is trying to cut me down or treat me poorly.  It helps, just sayin'....

I hope this gives you hope, help, and a way out of the pain.

With great love,

Marci

Panic

Panic.  Ugh, the word alone can create physical discomfort within us.  It can cause us to think upon the one thing, or things, that are causing us to worry and have fear.

I've been there and done that so much in my life.  My oldest child was discovered to have a heart defect at his 3 month check-up.  Panic.  I instantly knew it was more than a benign heart murmur.  Something in my mama gut told me this was not good.  I immediately felt fear consume me and envisioned digging a hole, climbing in with him in my arms, and hiding from reality.

We moved to New York a month after the heart murmur diagnoses.  My husband was starting Physician Assistant school there.  The cardiologist found a pediatrician in NY for us and informed us that 90% of those with our son's condition do not require surgery.  He told us that the body is amazing and often corrects the defect by the time a child is one.  

We packed our things and headed to NY.  Once there, I purchased plane tickets to return to Houston for our son's cardiology check-up, which was to be when he was 6 months old.  We settled into our new home as best we could.  

As scheduled, my son and I flew to Houston for the cardiology appointment.  I was extremely apprehensive, but excited to visit family.  My husband had to stay in NY for school.  At the cardiology check-up, I was informed our son had to have emergency heart surgery, as his heart was so enlarged it was the size of his chest.  Panic.  I immediately called my husband and left a message on our home phone to call me ASAP.  We didn't have cell phones back then and I had to wait for him to receive my message.  I felt so alone.  I felt so discombobulated. Within the time it took for the words "immediate surgery" to be breathed, my world stopped. 

My father-in-law purchased a plane ticket for my husband and by that night, he was with us in Houston.  I can remember holding my son and rocking him.  I begged God to heal him.  I made deals with God that if He healed him, I would do whatever He told me to do.  I told God to take me if He was planning on taking our son.  Panic.

As insurance would have it, we had to wait almost a week for the surgery to occur.  I'm not sure I really slept that week.  I could not take my eyes off of my sick child.  I needed to watch him and make certain he was still breathing. I could barely eat.  I recall being in a room with people, but feeling like I was out of my body. Panic.

Due to the severity of our son's condition, the cardiologist had us stay in the hospital prior to the surgery.  I recall looking out the hospital room window and watching people walking to and fro.  How on earth were these people functioning?  Didn't they know my world was being turned upside down? My heart and brain were in such a fog.  All I ever wanted to be was a wife and mama.  How was this happening?  So many things rolled through my thoughts.  I could barely function.

The morning of the surgery was so difficult.  The moment the nurses came and took him from us was torturous.  I wasn't sure if that would be the last time I held my beautiful boy in my arms.  I fell to my knees and sobbed.  I felt I couldn't breathe.  What was life without him? I don't remember how we got to the family waiting area after he was taken from us.  When I think back on that, all I can recall is how I felt. Panic.

We were told the surgery would be about an hour and a half.  I paced and I watched the clock.  I heard people talking, but I certainly couldn't make out words.  At the 45 minute mark, the surgeon entered the room we were waiting in.  No.  It wasn't time yet.  I recall feeling like I had been punched in the stomach and I'm certain I held my breath.  He walked up to me with the calmest demeanor and informed us that the surgery was over and had gone so well that he was amazed.  I immediately threw my arms around him, thanked him, and cried my eyes out.

Later that week, the cardiologist's nurse came and talked with me.  She had been in the OR with our son during the surgery.  She said it was amazing.  My tiny little 6 month old, 12 pound baby had done remarkable.  She stated that his blood pressure and vitals were perfect during the surgery.  She voiced her amazement, as well as the other's in the room.  No one could believe it.  She stated that she felt the greatest peace and calm in the operating room.

My panic turned to praise.  My beautiful child had been left on this earth.  I knew that wasn't something to be taken lightly.  I knew I owed all my praise to God.  I did not, and do not, take this gift in vain.  I raised up our son to know his story and to know the Lord.  I talked to him often about the wonders of Jesus.  I informed him that he was greatly loved and left on earth for a purpose.  To this day, I talk to him about honoring Jesus in all he does. .

My heart still aches when I recall the memories of that time. I am transported back in time and feel all the emotions - the pain, the panic, the utter relief, the love.  I will never stop thanking God for our son's healing.  I will always know that it was Jesus who held him during the surgery.

In Exodus 3, God gives Moses a mission - go save My people from the Egyptians.  Moses panics.  He asks God "who am I that I shall go"?  God's response - "I will be with you".

Moses panicked.

God reassured.

God will never lead us to something to walk alone. Does it always turn out the way we beg?  Not at all.  God's ways aren't our ways.  There is great pain in life.  There is also great joy.  Regardless of where we are being led-pain or joy-God is with us and knows.  

Since our son's surgery, I have had many more panic moments.  He needed one more surgery when he was 4.  Our family has moved homes, moved jobs, been without jobs, made friends, lost friends, my dad has died, I've had to put my mom in assisted living, and many more.  

One thing has remained constant during life.  When I panic, God reassures.  He doesn't always do it the way I would want, but He always, without fail, does it the way I need. 

Always Loved

Acknowledging that we were thrown in pits is painful and can cause us to feel like we are slipping back in.  Memories can be slippery slopes.  Don’t allow the enemy to convince you that you deserved it or that you are unloved.  I’ve allowed myself to feel both and, I promise a million times over, they are bold faced lies that the enemy uses to keep you from knowing your worth in Jesus.

Before we dig into Joseph (our first pit dweller), I want to prove to you that the enemy is out to keep you from Jesus.  He twists Scripture just enough to get us to believe the lies.  His all-time favorite saying is, “Did God really say?”

Please open your Bible and read Genesis 2:8-9.

God caused trees to grow out of the ground.  What are the two things that the trees were good for? ____________________________________________________________

The trees were good for eating and were beautiful to look at.  God satisfied man with His fantastic creation through bellies and eyes. 

Circle the correct answer:  Did you notice anything in the above Scripture that spoke about touching the trees?

Yes

No

Keep your answer in mind, as we will circle back to it in a bit.

Now read Genesis 2:15-17.

God lovingly places the man in the garden of Eden.  Prior to his placement, the trees were wonderfully planted and grew.  God prepared everything the man would need for nourishment. As the man was being placed in the garden, God commanded him regarding what trees were for consumption and what tree was off limits. 

Fill in the blanks:

And the Lord God commanded the man, “You are ________ to eat from any tree of the garden, but you must _____ eat from the tree of the knowledge of good and evil, for on the day you eat from it, you will __________ die.”

From the beginning of time, God has given His children free will.  He instructed the man on what tree to eat from and what tree to avoid.  Notice He said, “You are free to eat from any tree in the garden”.  After stating the freedom, He clearly told of the consequence of not following His command. God will always instruct us in our ways, but He will not force us.  He loves us so deeply and dearly, and He desires the same kind of love in return. 

Have you ever tried to force someone to love you? If so, briefly record the circumstances and results below.

____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

Forced love is not real love.  It never has been and never will be.

Read Genesis 2:20-25.

The Lord recognizes that the man, Adam, was alone.  He knew prior to the creation that relationships are essential.  He lovingly created the woman, Eve.  He did not create her to be second best.  He did not create her to be Adam’s subordinate.  God created Eve with great love for her and for Adam.

Fill in the blank.

Genesis 2:20b: but for the man, no ___________ was found corresponding to him.

In our society, we view the word “helper” to mean an assistant.  As a former teacher, I had a classroom helper each day.  The classroom helper assisted me in tasks I needed, such as sharpening pencils, taking notes to the office, passing out papers, etc.  We often view a helper as second best, not having the same standing as the one being helped.

The Hebrew word for helper is Ezer.  Ezer is used 21 times in the Old Testament.  It refers to Eve 2 times, the powerful nations that Israel calls on for help when they are being attacked or threatened to be attacked, and 16 times as God our help.

God does not work for us; He comes alongside us when we are in need.  It is with love He does this, not any idea or thought or subordinacy. 

In his book Man and Woman: One in Christ, Philip Paynes states it this way:

“The noun used her [ezer] throughout the Old Testament does not suggest ‘helper’ as in ‘servant’, but help, savior, rescuer, protector as in ‘God is our help’.  In no other occurrence in the Old Testament does this refer to an inferior, but always a superior or an equal …’help’ expresses that the woman is a help/strength who rescues or saves man.”

God did not create the woman to be the man’s servant.  He created her to serve with the man.  That’s a huge difference!  God’s love for women is as strong as His love for men.  Many would like us to believe otherwise.  Thankfully, God’s truths trump man’s truths a million times over.

Notice that God gave the man commands regarding the garden of Eden prior to bringing the woman to life. 

Continue forward in Genesis and read 3:1-10.

And then there was the fall.  I pointed out that God gave the man garden commands before offering the woman as his ezer.  Does this mean that the man did not communicate God’s desires to the woman?  I mean, come on, we all know men struggle with communication!  Maybe he thought he told her but didn’t.  He could have sworn he told her as he was watching a game on TV.  A story as old as time!

All joking aside, the man most certainly communicated God’s commands to the woman.  Everything in the garden of Eden was perfect. The relationship between the two was surely beautiful and wonderful.  Think about it-God walked with the couple throughout the garden often.  Imagine the conversations they had.  There had to be laughter, love, joking, as well as serious talk.  The three must have had such great fellowship.

Just for fun, describe a scene between the three. 

____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

The fall was just as much the man’s fault as it was the woman’s.  Genesis 3:1 describes the serpent (the enemy) as the most cunning.

The Oxford Dictionary defines cunning as “having or showing skill in achieving one’s end by deceit or evasion”.

The enemy knew exactly what he was doing.  He was well aware that if he used a sprinkling of truth mixed with a sprinkling of a lie, he would have the couple eating out of his hands, literally.

Write the question the enemy poses to the couple at the end of 3:1.

________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

Did God really say…

Did God really say that you had to be true to your marriage if you no longer feel love?

Did God really say you can’t live with your partner if you aren’t married?

Did God really say that we need to look to Him in all things? Shouldn’t we be able to rely on ourselves?

Did God really say that we are to serve others over ourselves?

Write out a few that come to your mind.

________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

Reread verses 2:16-17 and compare it to verses 3:2-3.  What difference do you see?

________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

Yep!  God never said the couple couldn’t touch the tree.  The woman certainly knew God’s command.  She walked with Him in the garden for goodness sakes!  She let her guard down and allowed the presence of evil to swoon her.

Proverbs 4:23

Above all else, guard your heart, for everything you do flows from it. (NIV)

Can you think of a time when you let your guard down and quickly fell out of step with God’s decrees?  It can happen in the blink of an eye.  We must continuously guard our hearts and allow the Holy Spirit to lead us.  I have found that praying for discernment and leading really helps in my day-to-day connections with others.

Reread Genesis 2:17 and Genesis 3:4.

The enemy blatantly lied to the woman, and she fell for it.  Sadly, how often do we do the same?  We get caught up in a person’s words and perceived care for us, and we fall right into their trap.  It can happen in the snap of a finger.  One minute we are walking with God, and the next we are being wooed by the enemy.  He tricks us with word changes, guilt, shame, and self-absorption.

We see in Genesis 3:4-7 the woman and the man don’t think twice about tasting the fruit.  The allure of wisdom sunk it’s teeth into their pride and they sunk their teeth into the fruit. And everything changed. One bite led to shame.  It led to wanting to hide from God.  Imagine how they must of kicked themselves.  Do you think the phrase, “if only” ran through their minds?  Do you think they made excuses, blamed the other? I’m certain we can all identify with the gut pain a wrong decision causes, especially when we know that God told us to do otherwise. 

 We will explore this more when we discuss throwing ourselves into pits. 

Yes, the enemy wants to pull us from Jesus’ love.  He wants us to feel like we are not lovable, and, in fact, we don’t deserve His love.  Lies. Jesus has loved all of us from the beginning of time.  Nothing can, or ever will, separate us from the love of God (Romans 8:38-39).

Let’s end today by taking in what God did after the couple tasted the fruit.

Read Genesis 3:8-10.

God knew that the couple had taken a bite of the fruit.  He knew they listened to the enemy and chose his lies over God’s truths. 

God showed up anyway.  Think about that.  He didn’t abandon them.  He walked where He knew they would walk.  He still wanted to be with them.  He still wants to be with us.  No amount of shame from our pasts (or presents) will cause Him to leave us.  His love is forever.  The pain you suffered when you were thrown into a pit does not mean you are not loved.  You are loved yesterday, today, and tomorrow.

As you go about your day, hold your head up high.  You are marked by His love forever.

💗,Marci

 

 

Book Review - The Engagement Party by Finley Turner

I love diving into a good book.  I have a disclaimer, confession, or whatever one calls it...I often "read" audiobooks.  I'm told this is not really reading.  In my book, it is! 😄 I put in my AirPods and get lost listening while cleaning, running, cooking dinner, driving, etc.  

This book begins with a woman newly engaged and is elated to have found her prince charming.  She quickly learns that she and her fiance have been summoned to his parents' home for an engagement party.  And the fun begins....

The family is NOT what she expects, to say the least.  A whirlwind of drama begins and then there is a murder.  Who did it and why?  Will she be blamed...

This book has a number of facets. A dysfunctional family.  An ex-girlfriend, a previous murder, and on and on.

I dislike books that move slowly.  I am reading (listening ;) ) to be entertained.  If the book has lulls, I have been known not to finish it.  Thankfully, this book moved at a nice place.  Each chapter built upon the prior one and it didn't disappoint.

I give this book-

The Engagement Party held my attention and had some twists that I really enjoyed.  However, it never made me gasp, and I certainly didn't think much about it when I had finished it.  I give it 4 stars out of 5 because it was entertaining.  My review lost a star because it didn't wow me.  With that being said, if you are looking for an entertaining read, check this book out.  

BONUS:

If you are looking for an author that will wow you and cause you to audibly gasp, check out Freida McFadden.  She is an amazing author who will truly entertain you!

Happy reading!!