Ever been wronged?
Treated badly?
Gossiped about by a friend?
Been made to feel like a loser?
Rejected/abandoned?
Manipulated?
Gaslit?
Yep, same. I raise my hand to all of those instances and more. In truth, it makes me really angry sometimes to recall these. In actuality, there are times these treatments occur and/or continue.
I have read countless articles, blog posts, and books about forgiveness. Some have been super helpful, while some have made ME feel like the problem. The latter infuriates me. Nothing like victim blaming and shaming.
I'm just going to be transparent. There's no use in hiding truths. No one grows, learns, or can relate when we try and appear perfect, or dang near there. I'm so over the facade of perfection. I'm convinced that the people who try and make others think that their lives are perfect and they are perfect are the ones that are hurting the most. If they can get others to think they are perfect, get some worship going, they may have a moment, or moments, where the pain subsides.
My earliest memories are of feelings of pain. People talk about great childhood memories. Not me. I have some good memories. Some that I may even be able to consider great. However, my childhood was wrought with abandonment, rejection, manipulation, and abuse. I was the caretaker physically, mentally, and emotionally. I cannot remember a time when I was carefree. I learned from a very young age that my words mattered. To speak truth about my feelings was not allowed. I was to always build the adults around me up. It was my job and responsibility to take care of emotions. To do otherwise resulted in the adult in charge becoming a raging victim.
I became a great actress. I could have won an award type actress! On occasion, I am still that little actress in a grown woman's body. More than on occasion if I'm being honest.
As an adult, I continued in what I knew. I knew how to excuse behaviors, cover up behaviors to protect the culprit, and blame myself. Real healthy, I tell you!
There are still a few people in my life who are culprits. Unfortunately, I cannot rid my life of them.
I have learned how to take up for myself, bite back when needed, and consider the source (as my dad would say).
What used to cut me so low that I would allow myself to feel like the biggest loser and idiot now makes me angry. It also makes me dislike the perpetrator(s).
I used to struggle with this, as I am a Jesus loving girl. I came to the realization that Jesus doesn't instruct us to put up with people's crap and poor treatment. It's okay to dislike people. We are called to ask for wisdom and discernment. To be gifted with these means we are fully aware of behaviors and treatments that don't honor Jesus or look like Jesus.
Jesus instructs us to love. When we allow poor treatment, we aren't loving ourselves. We also aren't truly loving the other person. Plain and simple.
So forgiveness...
Nothing irks me more than a holier than thou person. I am not going to feed you any of that. I would likely throw up on myself while trying to type.
What I am going to tell you is that forgiveness for me and my sanity looks like realizing that no one gets to define me or treat me poorly. When a person tries, I am going to take up for myself. I am also going to walk away from a person or situation if possible.
Biblically, forgiveness is giving it to God and not dwelling on it. It's not excusing the person or ever allowing it.
My advice to someone who is walking around feeling miserable because of someone's past or present treatment is to take up for yourself. Sometimes this looks like not answering the person, not engaging in dialogue. At times, it's walking away in the moment or for good.
I also have embraced boundaries. I created specific boundaries for those in my life who harm me. I stick to them too. I refuse to share anything personal with those that I know will use the information against me at a later time. I am not going to spend time with those who get their kicks off of kicking me to make themselves feel more important. And a big one - I am not going to take care of other's emotions. Ever.
My definition of forgiveness goes something like this...
Forgiveness - the act of never allowing others to define you, rule you, or treat you poorly. When someone behaves or speaks in an unkind or manipulative way, walk away and dust off the hurt. Do not allow the pain to take up residence in your heart. Consider the source!
I'm not going to lie, I have been known to say ugly things in my head as an ugly (on the inside!) person is trying to cut me down or treat me poorly. It helps, just sayin'....
I hope this gives you hope, help, and a way out of the pain.
With great love,
Marci
