My husband and I talked about the possibility of bad news and I knew he would stand by me no matter what. More importantly, I knew Jesus would hold my hand no matter what.
After the test was finished, I called my mom and started to cry. We talked about my fear and what it meant.
We got down to the heart of the matter...
As I voiced what was holding me in chains, my mom said something I hadn't really given much thought to.
You see, I told my mom that so many people get sick and what made me not get sick. I haven't always been a Jesus following girl and I realized that deep down I thought I deserved an illness. I thought because of bad choices, I should get sick.
The funny thing is, when others get sick I NEVER think they brought it on themselves. And I NEVER think that God is punishing them. However, I thought deep down that I should be punished by being struck with an illness.
My mom quietly said, "You know that Jesus has forgiven you. You live like He has. However, you haven't forgiven yourself."
Oh, my goodness....she was so right. The thing is, I didn't even realize I hadn't forgiven myself. I still quietly believed I deserved something bad to happen. I guess it was my normal-
I started to really think and pray about it.
How could my Savior totally forget and forgive me for ALL of my sins, yet I couldn't forgive myself??
Why was I still punishing myself when He was loving all over me??
I realized that I was putting myself and my judgement above Jesus's. As I thought about it I heard, "Are your ways higher than my ways?"
No Lord, they are not.
It's amazing that I was still hanging onto the junk that Jesus threw out long ago. How many times has He tried to pry it from my hands and I hung on??
I've decided to open my palms and hand it over. It may take more than once, but I am confident that every time I try to dig it up, He will grab it from me and toss it over His shoulder. He's like that you know. He's patient beyond anything we can wrap our minds around. He won't ever say, "Well that's it! I have tried and tried to show this girl I forgive her. Never mind if she's going to be that way!"
Jesus stands beside us and lovingly shows us His faithfulness again - and again - and again - and again.
Are there things in your life that you are holding on to? Are you finding it hard to forgive yourself?
I completely get it and understand. But way more importantly, Jesus totally gets it, understands, and is standing beside you waiting for you to hand it to Him so He can dispose of it for good.
Open your palms and give it to Him. Rest in His love for you and know that He wants you to look ahead to a life of freedom and peace.
Oh and by the way - my test came back clear. My husband brought home cake balls that night to celebrate.