Wednesday, October 1, 2014

Are you forgiven by you?

A couple of weeks ago, I had to have a medical test done.  I was really nervous about it.  I had noticed some changes with my body and was prepared for bad news.  I know that I am getting older and my body is no longer 20ish, but I was concerned that my changes weren't normal. 

My husband and I talked about the possibility of bad news and I knew he would stand by me no matter what.  More importantly, I knew Jesus would hold my hand no matter what.

After the test was finished, I called my mom and started to cry.  We talked about my fear and what it meant. 

We got down to the heart of the matter...

As I voiced what was holding me in chains, my mom said something I hadn't really given much thought to.

You see, I told my mom that so many people get sick and what made me not get sick.  I haven't always been a Jesus following girl and I realized that deep down I thought I deserved an illness.  I thought because of bad choices, I should get sick. 

The funny thing is, when others get sick I NEVER think they brought it on themselves.  And I NEVER think that God is punishing them.  However, I thought deep down that I should be punished by being struck with an illness.

My mom quietly said, "You know that Jesus has forgiven you. You live like He has.  However, you haven't forgiven yourself."

Oh, my goodness....she was so right.  The thing is, I didn't even realize I hadn't forgiven myself.  I still quietly believed I deserved something bad to happen.  I guess it was my normal-

I started to really think and pray about it. 

How could my Savior totally forget and forgive me for ALL of my sins, yet I couldn't forgive myself??

Why was I still punishing myself when He was loving all over me??

I realized that I was putting myself and my judgement above Jesus's.  As I thought about it I heard, "Are your ways higher than my ways?"

No Lord, they are not.

It's amazing that I was still hanging onto the junk that Jesus threw out long ago.  How many times has He tried to pry it from my hands and I hung on??

I've decided to open my palms and hand it over.  It may take more than once, but I am confident that every time I try to dig it up, He will grab it from me and toss it over His shoulder.  He's like that you know.  He's patient beyond anything we can wrap our minds around.  He won't ever say, "Well that's it!  I have tried and tried to show this girl I forgive her.  Never mind if she's going to be that way!"

Jesus stands beside us and lovingly shows us His faithfulness again - and again - and again - and again. 

Are there things in your life that you are holding on to?  Are you finding it hard to forgive yourself? 

I completely get it and understand.  But way more importantly, Jesus totally gets it, understands, and is standing beside you waiting for you to hand it to Him so He can dispose of it for good. 

Open your palms and give it to Him.  Rest in His love for you and know that He wants you to look ahead to a life of freedom and peace.

 Oh and by the way - my test came back clear.  My husband brought home cake balls that night to celebrate.



  1. I'm so happy to hear that your test results came back clear. Praise God! I can relate to this post as I struggle with guilt and not forgiving myself. Thank you for this reminder.
    Hugs to you!

  2. Praise God for good results. I also tote around my trash in the form of guilt. Thank you for the reminder today to hand it over again and again when Satan tries to get us to take it back.

  3. I really appreciate the way that you shared about having to open your palms and release the guilt. I have felt as though I have had to open up my palms and surrender - everything- but I had not even thought about letting go of the guilt. But when I read this post - I realized that - I need to release it as well. Thank you for sharing your heart with us. And I am happy that your test came back good! God bless~ Lisa :O)

  4. So glad your test came back negative and way to go to your husband with the cake balls! :-) I definitely know what you mean about still feeling the guilty and punishing feelings. I think deep down it is ingrained into our hearts and minds that sickness and death was ultimately the world's punishment for sin. It entered the world when the chaos of sin ruined God's perfect creation so even though it strikes us all at its own will now with no discretion on who it chooses to strike, we still feel that we are being "punished" individually. God didn't bring sin into the world, and sickness and death are not His "tools" of punishment. If it was, why would it ever strike the young, innocent babies who have not had a chance to perform sinful behavior for which they should be held accountable? I know accountability can be an "icky" moral question, but I do know our loving God would never "punish" little innocent babies in that way. Anyway, I also battle those awful feelings of guilt and self-punishment and feelings of not being worthy. God knows we will fall short of perfection in every way, and He does not ask for perfection. He just wants our trust and faith in Him and for us to keep turning to Him for help!


I love connecting with you all through comments. Your words bring my heart joy.