This has been one of those years for me. Yep, I said years. This year seems like a never ending whirlwind of one thing after another. Just when I think I am standing straight up again, something else comes along and pushes me over. Once again, I feel unsteady on my feet and rock back and forth like I am one of those reporters in the midst of hurricane winds.
In the stance of being real, I am going to dish some of my year.
I had to leave a job that I thought I would have for a long time. It offered my family financial security, and it brought me a sense of independence. Many things brought on my exit. Trouble had been brewing for a while, as I and others were not supported in our basic needs and security. When each day brings fears of physical and mental trauma to yourself and your students, that is not a recipe for peace, joy, and overall stability.
The final push to walk away came when I was injured in a ridiculous running injury. As I was running, my toe clipped a portion of the pea gravel I was on and I hit the ground extremely hard. My right hand had a huge gash and skin was peeled back revealing the inside of my palm. My knee had missing skin and there was fat hanging out of an opening. Who knew there was fat on a knee cap!?! My hand had to be cleaned out and stitched up. It eventually came to be known that I had fractured my kneecap. I was unable to walk well and could not use my right hand. I took FMLA leave, but eventually had to make the decision to bow out and focus on healing.
The injury threw me for a loop since running was the one thing that took my mind off of some trauma and abuse that was resurfacing. Without running, I was forced to look it in the face and deal with it. Hard stuff. My school district always talked about mental health. It became super evident that that was all it was....talk. Once I submitted my resignation and voiced my reason and the hardness of my decision, I was seen as an enemy. It hurt at first, but I began to realize that true colors come out right when they need to. My true friends were so compassionate, supportive, and kind. They encouraged me forward in my healing. I am forever grateful.
As I was learning to rebound and grow, I had a friend become harsh and uncaring. Our friendship became about her. In reality, it had always been. You know those friendships where you give - are actually expected to give at the drop of a hat. However, when you need something, all you hear is crickets (or their issues!). It was painful, as I had walked through some big moments with this person. Looking backwards, it was such a blessing. It was an unhealthy friendship that needed to be excavated. Don't get me wrong, it hurt like a big, bad bee sting.
In the midst of all of this, Jesus has taught me some good, hard lessons. When I took my focus off of Him, panic, fear, and overwhelming sadness kicked in. I had known I needed Him, but I certainly didn't practice it. I tried figuring things out and making plans. Yeah, I'm sure He laughed! ;)
Two Bible verses have been glued to my brain lately. Memorizing Scripture has been such a blessing in my life. God's Word pops into my head and heart right when I need it.
1. Jeremiah 29:11-12..."For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you a hope and a future. Then you will call on me and come to me in prayer, and I will listen to you."
I know God has my back. He never left me and has my story already written. My job is to be obedient and listen to His leading. It's hard to do that when I create plans independent of Him. I am learning to be still, listen, and obey. Peace never comes void of Jesus.
2. Philippians 2:13-14...For it is God who is working in you both to will and to work according to His good purpose. Do everything without grumbling or arguing.
This verse continues to remind me that God is working a good purpose in my life. He doesn't need my help. I can sit in pure, trusting confidence that He works everything out for His purpose. Gosh, to be able to honor Jesus with my story is worth every heartache suffered. When I complain or get grumpy over circumstances and events, it only serves to pull my focus away from Jesus. And isn't that exactly what the enemy wants?!
I tell you all this because I want you to know you aren't alone if, or when, you are in a deep valley. It may feel so lonely at times, but in reality, Jesus is right with us. He knows that all we can do is hang onto Him by the smallest thread, and He's okay with that. He promises that if we have the faith of a mustard seed, He sees us and knows. He gets pain. He gets loneliness. He even gets our hopelessness. When He senses these things from us, He gets into action and covers us. I can type this with nothing but pure certainty. I have seen it and felt it numerous times in my life.
Hang on for dear life. He won't let you drop.
Psalm 46:5...God is within her, she will not fail. 💗
With great love,
Marci
