Not Your Ordinary Forgiveness Post

Ever been wronged?

Treated badly?

Gossiped about by a friend?

Been made to feel like a loser?

Rejected/abandoned?

Manipulated?

Gaslit?

Yep, same.  I raise my hand to all of those instances and more.  In truth, it makes me really angry sometimes to recall these.  In actuality, there are times these treatments occur and/or continue.

I have read countless articles, blog posts, and books about forgiveness.  Some have been super helpful, while some have made ME feel like the problem.  The latter infuriates me.  Nothing like victim blaming and shaming.

I'm just going to be transparent.  There's no use in hiding truths.  No one grows, learns, or can relate when we try and appear perfect, or dang near there.  I'm so over the facade of perfection.  I'm convinced that the people who try and make others think that their lives are perfect and they are perfect are the ones that are hurting the most.  If they can get others to think they are perfect, get some worship going, they may have a moment, or moments, where the pain subsides.

My earliest memories are of feelings of pain.  People talk about great childhood memories.  Not me.  I have some good memories.  Some that I may even be able to consider great.  However, my childhood was wrought with abandonment, rejection, manipulation, and abuse.  I was the caretaker physically, mentally, and emotionally.  I cannot remember a time when I was carefree.  I learned from a very young age that my words mattered.  To speak truth about my feelings was not allowed.  I was to always build the adults around me up.  It was my job and responsibility to take care of emotions.  To do otherwise resulted in the adult in charge becoming a raging victim.

I became a great actress.  I could have won an award type actress!  On occasion, I am still that little actress in a grown woman's body.  More than on occasion if I'm being honest.

As an adult, I continued in what I knew.  I knew how to excuse behaviors, cover up behaviors to protect the culprit, and blame myself.  Real healthy, I tell you!

There are still a few people in my life who are culprits.  Unfortunately, I cannot rid my life of them.  

I have learned how to take up for myself, bite back when needed, and consider the source (as my dad would say).

What used to cut me so low that I would allow myself to feel like the biggest loser and idiot now makes me angry.  It also makes me dislike the perpetrator(s).  

I used to struggle with this, as I am a Jesus loving girl.  I came to the realization that Jesus doesn't instruct us to put up with people's crap and poor treatment.  It's okay to dislike people.  We are called to ask for wisdom and discernment.  To be gifted with these means we are fully aware of behaviors and treatments that don't honor Jesus or look like Jesus.  

Jesus instructs us to love.  When we allow poor treatment, we aren't loving ourselves.  We also aren't truly loving the other person.  Plain and simple.

So forgiveness...

Nothing irks me more than a holier than thou person.  I am not going to feed you any of that.  I would likely throw up on myself while trying to type.

What I am going to tell you is that forgiveness for me and my sanity looks like realizing that no one gets to define me or treat me poorly.  When a person tries, I am going to take up for myself.  I am also going to walk away from a person or situation if possible.  

Biblically, forgiveness is giving it to God and not dwelling on it.  It's not excusing the person or ever allowing it.  

My advice to someone who is walking around feeling miserable because of someone's past or present treatment is to take up for yourself.  Sometimes this looks like not answering the person, not engaging in dialogue.  At times, it's walking away in the moment or for good.

I also have embraced boundaries.  I created specific boundaries for those in my life who harm me.  I stick to them too.  I refuse to share anything personal with those that I know will use the information against me at a later time.  I am not going to spend time with those who get their kicks off of kicking me to make themselves feel more important.  And a big one - I am not going to take care of other's emotions.  Ever.  

My definition of forgiveness goes something like this...

Forgiveness - the act of never allowing others to define you, rule you, or treat you poorly.  When someone behaves or speaks in an unkind or manipulative way, walk away and dust off the hurt.  Do not allow the pain to take up residence in your heart.  Consider the source!

I'm not going to lie, I have been known to say ugly things in my head as an ugly (on the inside!) person is trying to cut me down or treat me poorly.  It helps, just sayin'....

I hope this gives you hope, help, and a way out of the pain.

With great love,

Marci

Moving Out of the Corner of Pain

There are times in life where we all have wanted to throw in the towel and call it quits.  Life can get overwhelmingly difficult and the word hope is no longer in our vocabulary.  We feel defeated and question our choices, our circumstances, and even our faith.  Times like this can leave us feeling so alone, unheard, and unseen.  

This past year was one of those years for me.  Someone I love experienced some gut-wrenching pain and I crawled into the trenches to support, encourage, and love on this person.  While the experiences did not happen to me personally, watching someone you absolutely love suffer and question his/her existence is devastatingly painful.  At times, life became almost too hard to handle.  Because the person and I were so close, the pain that was felt by my loved one was often turned into hateful anger directed at me.  My level headed mind knew it was just deep-seated pain and was never a personal attack.  I won't lie, there were many times that the anger became too much and it cut my heart into a zillion pieces.  On top of that, I was painfully heartbroken for this person and felt so much anger, betrayal, hurt, etc.  

As I woke each morning, and often throughout the day, I prayed for my loved one.  At first, my prayers were to surround my love, comfort my love, and heal my love.  I prayed that God would set a table before my love in the presence of the enemies.  I prayed that those who caused the pain would suffer greatly and feel exactly what they had inflicted.

As time went on, I realized my prayers were filled with bitterness.  They were also very limiting.  God can do so much more than we can imagine and I needed to praise Him for this, as well as pray loving prayers over the enemies.  At first, I gritted my teeth as I prayed blessings over those who caused such heart devastation.  It was unfathomable to me to pray that those who had caused so much harm would receive blessings.

The more I prayed for them, however, the more God opened my heart to feel empathy and forgiveness.  I began to pray for my loved one to grow closer to God in the pain.  I prayed that my love would recognize God's sovereignty and constant presence, even in the trenches.  I also prayed that the inflicters would know God's love.  I began to realize that those who are hurting hurt others.  I prayed that rather than feeling pain like I originally prayed for, that they would feel freedom and peace.

As God always does, He heard my prayers and answered them.  My loved one has more strength, courage, and drive for life than I ever imagined possible.  My love experienced true feelings of forgiveness and mercy.  There are no grudges, no retaliation hopes, and no ill will.  My love is truly free, joyous, and happy.  So many opportunities have presented themselves and so much growth has taken place.  

While I would never wish for my love to suffer so greatly, so much was gained from this experience.  Life lessons about God, love, forgiveness, strength, and a will to live happily were gained.  I no longer feel anger about the situation, but rather grateful for the growth that has taken place.  

Life lessons often come from pain.  We can stay stuffed in a corner with ridiculously bitter hearts or we can open our hearts to God's leading, growing, and healing.  Am I ever grateful that my love chose the latter!

You may be wondering what became of the offenders.  God is definitely at work in their lives.  A couple of the people actually accepted responsibility and apologized.  That is huge!  I continue to pray for them and have great hope that they will feel God's love and mercy with such force that they will know the source.  My love offers them forgiveness and mercy, which I truly believe they feel.  

If you find yourself in the trenches and feel alone, abandoned, hopeless, and helpless, know that you are not alone.  God is with you and waiting for you to ask for help and guidance.  Pour your heart out to Him and trust that He hears you.  He created you to love you, not to hurt you.  Often, lessons hurt like major heck, but the growth that comes is worth it.  We will never grow hiding away with bitter hearts.  Growth and healing are results of lots of knee time in prayer.  Be honest in your pain and in your prayers.  Look for the teeny blessings that God provides for you each day.  Those teeny blessings add up.

One moment at a time in trust and you will feel and see God direct your heart to Him.

Loving you so much-

Marci