Not Your Ordinary Forgiveness Post

Ever been wronged?

Treated badly?

Gossiped about by a friend?

Been made to feel like a loser?

Rejected/abandoned?

Manipulated?

Gaslit?

Yep, same.  I raise my hand to all of those instances and more.  In truth, it makes me really angry sometimes to recall these.  In actuality, there are times these treatments occur and/or continue.

I have read countless articles, blog posts, and books about forgiveness.  Some have been super helpful, while some have made ME feel like the problem.  The latter infuriates me.  Nothing like victim blaming and shaming.

I'm just going to be transparent.  There's no use in hiding truths.  No one grows, learns, or can relate when we try and appear perfect, or dang near there.  I'm so over the facade of perfection.  I'm convinced that the people who try and make others think that their lives are perfect and they are perfect are the ones that are hurting the most.  If they can get others to think they are perfect, get some worship going, they may have a moment, or moments, where the pain subsides.

My earliest memories are of feelings of pain.  People talk about great childhood memories.  Not me.  I have some good memories.  Some that I may even be able to consider great.  However, my childhood was wrought with abandonment, rejection, manipulation, and abuse.  I was the caretaker physically, mentally, and emotionally.  I cannot remember a time when I was carefree.  I learned from a very young age that my words mattered.  To speak truth about my feelings was not allowed.  I was to always build the adults around me up.  It was my job and responsibility to take care of emotions.  To do otherwise resulted in the adult in charge becoming a raging victim.

I became a great actress.  I could have won an award type actress!  On occasion, I am still that little actress in a grown woman's body.  More than on occasion if I'm being honest.

As an adult, I continued in what I knew.  I knew how to excuse behaviors, cover up behaviors to protect the culprit, and blame myself.  Real healthy, I tell you!

There are still a few people in my life who are culprits.  Unfortunately, I cannot rid my life of them.  

I have learned how to take up for myself, bite back when needed, and consider the source (as my dad would say).

What used to cut me so low that I would allow myself to feel like the biggest loser and idiot now makes me angry.  It also makes me dislike the perpetrator(s).  

I used to struggle with this, as I am a Jesus loving girl.  I came to the realization that Jesus doesn't instruct us to put up with people's crap and poor treatment.  It's okay to dislike people.  We are called to ask for wisdom and discernment.  To be gifted with these means we are fully aware of behaviors and treatments that don't honor Jesus or look like Jesus.  

Jesus instructs us to love.  When we allow poor treatment, we aren't loving ourselves.  We also aren't truly loving the other person.  Plain and simple.

So forgiveness...

Nothing irks me more than a holier than thou person.  I am not going to feed you any of that.  I would likely throw up on myself while trying to type.

What I am going to tell you is that forgiveness for me and my sanity looks like realizing that no one gets to define me or treat me poorly.  When a person tries, I am going to take up for myself.  I am also going to walk away from a person or situation if possible.  

Biblically, forgiveness is giving it to God and not dwelling on it.  It's not excusing the person or ever allowing it.  

My advice to someone who is walking around feeling miserable because of someone's past or present treatment is to take up for yourself.  Sometimes this looks like not answering the person, not engaging in dialogue.  At times, it's walking away in the moment or for good.

I also have embraced boundaries.  I created specific boundaries for those in my life who harm me.  I stick to them too.  I refuse to share anything personal with those that I know will use the information against me at a later time.  I am not going to spend time with those who get their kicks off of kicking me to make themselves feel more important.  And a big one - I am not going to take care of other's emotions.  Ever.  

My definition of forgiveness goes something like this...

Forgiveness - the act of never allowing others to define you, rule you, or treat you poorly.  When someone behaves or speaks in an unkind or manipulative way, walk away and dust off the hurt.  Do not allow the pain to take up residence in your heart.  Consider the source!

I'm not going to lie, I have been known to say ugly things in my head as an ugly (on the inside!) person is trying to cut me down or treat me poorly.  It helps, just sayin'....

I hope this gives you hope, help, and a way out of the pain.

With great love,

Marci

Mindset Changes Everything

Mindset is defined as "the established set of attitudes held by someone." (Dictionary.com)

Our mindsets are so important to our overall health.  The stress that we allow into our bodies through our mindsets can wreak havoc on our health.  We can eat nothing but whole foods, exercise regularly, but if our mindsets are programmed to think negatively and destructively, we are not contributing to a healthy lifestyle.  Rather, we are harming our bodies.  This harm has immediate and lasting effects on our overall health.

Controlling our mindsets should be one of our top priorities.  We can't just say to our minds, "Alright, already-stop this way of thinking!"  That's impossible.  It is a process that takes time and dedication.  If it were easy and quick, we would all have mindsets that support healthy living.  Unfortunately, many of us have mindsets that are extremely destructive and we are so caught up in it that we don't even realize the negative effects it has on our lives and bodies.

The benefits of a healthy mindset are:

• increased longevity
• reduces depression
• lowers levels of anxiety
• increases immunity
• reduces the risk of cardiovascular disease
• promotes healthy relationships

Thankfully, there are many ways in which we can train our mindsets.  They take practice, but they are so worth it.  In time, you will notice more peace in your life.  You will recognize when a destructive thought enters your brain and be able to push it away quickly.  You will feel freer and happier.

Techniques for growing a healthy mindset:

1.  Guard your minds - be mindful of what and who you are listening to and watching.  Be aware of how these things make you feel and what they cause you to focus on.

2.  Be proactive rather than reactive - be mindful of what and who pushes your buttons.  Establish game plans on how best to deal with these situations BEFORE they happen.

3.  Surround yourself with people and places that honor and promote a healthy mindset -this one needs no explanation! :)

4.  Banish negative self-talk -  we all have times where we allow our minds to go on a negative road trip.  We have gone clear across the country before we even realize it.  This leaves us feeling grumpy and depleted.  Be extremely mindful of EVERYTHING you are thinking upon.  If you notice ugliness, change your talk immediately.  There is no room in the inn for negative self-talk.  Not one good thing comes from it.

5.  Live a balanced life - be sure to practice self-care.  When we give to others and deny ourselves, we become overwhelmed and our mindsets are not supportive.

6.  Help others - it is amazing what happens to our mindsets when we help others!

7.  Be grateful - I often suggest to people that they keep a gratitude journal with them at all times.  Set a goal for how many things you want to record.  It often helps to break it up into times of the day.  When we only do it in the morning or evening, we forget to focus on gratefulness throughout the day.

These techniques really will change your mindset for the better.  With time and practice, you will feel better and happier.  You will notice your stress levels diminishing and your energy levels rising.

You CAN do this!  I believe in you and your health!


Proverbs 23:7...As someone thinks within himself, so he is.

Marci

Learning to Take Care of Yourself

Mark 6:31

He said to them, "Come away by yourselves to a remote place and rest for a while."
For many people were coming and going, and they did not even have time to eat.

When my oldest was a baby, we lived in New York.  My husband and I are both from Texas and our little one was the first grandchild on both sides.  Needless to say, we flew home a LOT!!

Every time we flew, the flight attendants made sure I knew that if there was an emergency I needed to put my oxygen mask on before putting a mask on my little one.  Thankfully, I never had to experience this for real!

Because of all the flying we did, I adopted the phrase, "Put your oxygen mask on first".  When I am speaking to new mamas, worn out friends, or even myself I use this phrase.

We cannot be at our best if we feel depleted and lack the fuel we need to operate.  On a plane, lack of oxygen will cause us to pass out and eventually die.  In life, lack of care for ourselves will cause burnout, depression, anxiety, and lots and lots of stress.

Often times, we feel guilty and/or selfish if we take time for ourselves.  We carry around the mentality that we have to be super people who give, give, give and never relax.  In our world, if someone is not a super achiever, they are labeled a slacker.  Thankfully, that is not God's label.  He created rest and desires for us to use it.  He knows that without some rest and rejuvenation, we will not be on our game.

God did not create us to save the world.  He did not create us to fix everything, solve everything, and be everything to people.  We will never be difference makers if we fail to take care of the person God created us to be.

Putting on your oxygen mask will ensure that your heart and head are well rested.  You will feel revived and refreshed.  There is no shame in needing your oxygen mask!

Individual oxygen masks look different for each person. 

For me, I like to wake before my family and have a quiet time with Jesus.  Also, it helps me to read at least one chapter in a book each day.  This reading can occur anytime throughout the day.  It is soothing for my soul to steal away and get lost in a book.

My husband's oxygen mask consists of quiet time alone doing yard work.  It is so soothing to him and allows his mind to be refreshed.

What does your oxygen mask look like? 

What causes you to feel refueled and refreshed? 

What is holding you back?  Keeping you from getting your God prescribed rest?

No matter what your oxygen mask looks like, don't be ashamed to admit you need it.  Failing to consistently put it on will cause you to feel overwhelmed and lack the essential body and mind energy to successfully conquer each day.

Taking care of yourself is not selfish, it is energy for your soul.

If you find it difficult at first, try scheduling it out.  Make yourself a priority, sweet friend.  There is joy in rest and rejuvenation.

And when you find it difficult to settle down and rest because of guilt, a mile long to-do list, etc., remember the words of your Savior - the one who calls you to rest.

Mark 6:31

He said to them, "Come away by yourselves to a remote place and rest for a while."

For many people were coming and going, and they did not even have time to eat.

Loving you all,
Marci