The thing that has thrown me the last couple of years has to do with my parents. For some reason, when my birthday rolls around I become very sad and wonder why I am not worth any effort on their part. My father doesn't even acknowledge my birthday and my mother will send a gift and an email. However, words without actions are meaningless. There is no desire on her part to have a real relationship. Any type of effort is nonexistent.
I woke on Monday morning with a terribly sad feeling. Honestly, I get frustrated at myself because God has blessed me with such a loving family. However, I have become quite aware that children, whatever their age, need their parents to love them. Children need to know that they are worth it. When they are not shown this, feelings of worthlessness creep in.
I cried many tears on Monday and I carried around a heavy heart. Crazy thoughts raced through my head...
Am I even a good mother??
What on earth have I done to make myself unworthy to my parents??
Am I a burden to my husband because I go through this deep sadness??
I wonder what my family's life would be like without me?? Would it be better??
Am I even a disappointment to Jesus??
Jesus led me to read something on Monday evening that turned my crazy thinking and pity party around. Here is what I read. It comes from a devotional I have.
"Nothing but God can satisfy this loneliness of humanity."
Jesus reminded me that actions and behaviors by humans do not always come from Him. My parents have chosen to live this way. It is a reflection of them and not of me at all. My sweet husband always tells me that it is their loss. He says that if they can't see past their own selfishness and see me, then they are surely suffering more than I am.
God has blessed me with so many things. For starters, He affords me every breath I take. He trusts me enough to raise my three precious children to honor Him and love Him. He has restored relationships that are so dear to me. He has surrounded me with loving people who desire to love me by loving Him first.
I ended up having a beautiful day yesterday. I praised God for who He is. I spent the morning with sweet friends. We ended up going to lunch and having a great time. As I drove away from the place we had lunch, I smiled and thanked God for His grace, mercy, and love. Not 24 hours before I questioned me, now I was basking in His love.
My husband brought home one of my favorite dinners and my kiddos loved all over me. My husband took our daughter to volleyball practice so I could hang out at home and relax.
Precious moments and good times for sure. We serve a loving, gracious God. Regardless of what humans choose, He loves us always. We are His dear children and He desperately wants us to know we are loved like crazy.
If you are suffering because of the actions and behaviors of another person, know that your Father is there for you. His opinions matter more than anything else. We are His princesses and He is our King.