Life goes along as planned and then something happens that causes me to hold my breath. There are times I deal with things, no problem. I immediately turn to God for guidance and I stay peaceful and calm. I love those times. I have it going on! I amaze myself at my abillity to handle situations without going into a crazy panic state. I allow God to guide me and I trust Him. However, there are other times that I am a crazy lunatic and can't see straight. My fear builds and builds with the help of my annoying what if side. I just hate that side!!! Drives me bananas. I wish I could evict it to the curb!! Send it packing with a DO NOT RETURN letter written in all caps!!
Well, I panicked this weekend. Uggghh!! Jorden told me as I was walking through the kitchen Sunday morning that he had a lump under his chin. I dismissed it....for about 30 seconds....and then my heart sank. We were rushing to get ready for church and I froze. I calmly told him to go have his dad look at it. Barry is a PA. He worked in the ER for over 5 years, so he has seen pretty much everything. Barry felt it and then told Jorden he would feel it again later. I finished getting dressed for church and thought about it more and more as we drove to church. I kept looking at him and getting more and more scared. After we dropped everyone at their classes, I looked at Barry and wanted to know EXACTLY what was in my child's neck. He calmly told me (the first ten times!) that it was probably a lymph node that was handling an infection. I played twenty questions and drove my poor, patient man crazy. He finally told me I was driving him crazy. Ok, ok, I get it! I was driving me crazy too!! I tried to chill and keep myself busy after church. I couldn't get the nagging feeling out of my mind that something was wrong. I should never trust that feeling....it is usually wrong. You see, I generally go to Z. I over think things and create situations in my mind.
By the time I woke on Monday morning I was a basket case! I couldn't eat and I was very quiet. Rarely am I quiet. I am a talker and a hugger. I kept praying for God to give me peace and calm my heart. I knew it wasn't that He wasn't giving me peace. I knew that my fear and anxiety were not allowing any part of His peace near me. How is it that logically I get it, but it doesn't make it to my heart? I looooove my children. I mean, painfully love my children. They are so precious to me.
Yes, I called the doctor as soon as the office opened Tuesday morning and got the first appointment available. It was at 10:30.....10:30!!!!! Seriously!! Didn't they know we needed to be seen NOW!!?? I must add that our doctor is out on medical leave. I love, adore really, my kids' pediatrician. He is the kindest, most caring man. He has seen us through two heart surgeries, two neck surgeries, an elbow surgery, and a list of illnesses. He knows this mama and he knows my babies. He knows that I generally have a list of questions a mile long. He knows me so well he typically answers everything before I even ask. Precious this man is!!!! Anyway, the doctor walks in, quickly looks at Jorden, and gives me the EXACT diagnoses that Barry gave me. Then she turns towards the door to leave. WAIT!!! Doesn't she know I have a list, I mean seriously!! She turns and looks at me and I quickly throw out my most important question. The infection was on his face and I wanted a topical antibiotic to go with the oral one. I was just asking what Barry told me to! I see her take a breath and then answer me. The answer was no. We were referred to a dermatologist. Ok, atleast he was given an oral antibiotic to knock out the infection.
I happily called Barry and told him the words he longs to hear....you were right! My sweet husband didn't gloat or rub it in my face. I think he was just thrilled i wasn't going to play 20 questions with him anymore!
Seriously though, i get so frustrated with myself when I fall into the fear trap. Why is it so easy for me to trust God when all is going smoothly? Why do I let fear overtake me at times? My mother-in-law says it's because I love my children so deeply and unconditionally. I love them with all of my heart. The flip side to that is the pain that sometimes accompanies that love. I sometimes beat myself up over this. Am I a phony Jesus lover? I have come to the conclusion that He loves me even when I am ever human and allow fear to overtake me. He filled my heart with love for the babies he so lovingly gave me. I have to believe He understands me and doesn't think I am a phony. This girl will keep truckin' along loving my family and my Jesus. I will do the best I can do each day and when I am fearful, I will try not to beat myself up.
I love mornings. I love starting fresh each day. The sky was so beautiful as I woke this morning. It reminded me that i am so thankful for my family.
I love this hibiscus flower. It opened towards the sun and became a beautiful flower. I hope I live to do the same.
Thankfully, it was a much better day today. I was able to volunteer at my little one's school and I had lunch with some precious girls at Chuy's. We laughed so much I'm certain the other tables wanted to join us. Ahhh, laughter....I needed it!
My sweet Luke after school. Love this kid!!! Tomorrow is my girl's first official junior high volleyball game. I am pumped up excited to see my baby play. She has worked so hard for her spot on the team. Looking forward to seeing her in action. I will definitely have some pictures to share....