I suffer from anxiety. At times, it is almost debilitating. I will have panic attacks and have trouble catching my breath.
When faced with something (usually concerning my children) my mind fires off millions of what if questions. I become buried in fearing the worst.
When this consumes me, I become frustrated and even depressed. My heart is on fire for Jesus. Why on earth do I fear the worst rather than trusting Jesus?
The guilt will then set in. Am I a phony Jesus lover? Will I pass this on to my children? Do I drive my husband insane?
Here comes my true honesty...
I know why this happens to me. It breaks my heart and has caused me much shame, guilt, embarrassment, and tears.
I have a fear of rejection and abandonment. I have never had a parent who didn't attach strings to their love. My parents have always chosen themselves over me. My father has had nothing to do with me my entire life. He claims he didn't and doesn't want to interfere in my life. Great concept, right? My mother has always put other things above me. I have no idea what true parental love is. I love my children like crazy. I know that they are gifts from my Father and I am to love them wholeheartedly. My love for them will sometimes take my breath away. They are truly precious in my sight. I have expressed this to my parents and begged for a love like that. I am told I'm judgmental.
Deep down, I feel there must be something wrong with me to cause both of my parents to lack parental love. I used to think if I was perfect, they would love me. I used to think if I took care of their emotions and let them be victims, they would love me. These things only made my life crazy.
I know in my head that it is not my fault. It's my heart that has trouble getting it. I know there is NOTHING my children could ever do to make me not love them and have a strong desire to be in their lives. However, I guess I still wonder and sometimes think I must not be good enough.
I am afraid on some level that I deserve to feel pain. I am afraid that I will lose my children and no longer have them here to love.
My head knows this is not how Jesus feels. Why is it so hard for my heart to get it at times?
As I sat with my family on Maunday Thursday, the Lord spoke to me so loudly I could have sworn His physical body was sitting next to me. He clearly said, "I am not here to hurt you." I get chills just thinking about it now. He loves me and isn't out to hurt me. His goal is not to reject me, abandoned me, or hurt me.
I am working on this. There are days that are better than others. I went through a long stretch where I was in complete peace. I felt so free. It was wonderful. Then some things happened over Christmas that caused me to slip a bit. On top of that, I received a cruel letter from my father telling me how disappointed he is in me. Nice, right? He doesn't even know me.
I will continue to pray and trust Jesus. I will continue to hear His sweet words in my head. I know that no matter what, Jesus is continuously with me.
Psalm 146:7
The Lord frees prisoners.
The Lord is with me even when the clouds of life seem too thick to take. His glory and light will forever shine through.
